Reason #1! Her teeth look like someone knocked them out with a jackhammer, and then shot them back inside her mouth using a T-shirt cannon.
Reason #2! Watching an episode of her long-running Disney Channel TV show, Hannah Montana, is like experiencing a production of A Midsummer's Night's Dream by the Royal Shakespeare Company - if the play were cast with spastic chimps dosed up on goofballs, who are either furiously masturbating or crapping onto one of the Bard's sonnets, which they then either hurl at the audience or consume for their own enjoyment.
Reason #3! Miley Cyrus is not Justin Bieber. (You may be beginning to suspect why I'm writing this particular column.)
Reason #4! Miley Cyrus is getting her own special on the ABC network this Friday (June 18, 8 pm) entitled Miley Cyrus: Live from London. First of all, this concert isn't even "live" - it was taped during Miley's recent worldwide tour. Sooo... LIAR! Secondly, it's in London. And the last time I checked, Miley is a citizen of THE UNITED FREAKING STATES OF AMERICA, MOTHEREFFERS! So the next time you plan to do a "live" television concert, Miley, maybe you might not want to farm it out to another stinking country, you anti-American NAFTA lover!!
Reason #5! ABC agreed to televise a Miley Cyrus concert, instead of a Justin Bieber concert.
Reason #6! And this is just plain stupid, because Justin Bieber is way, way, way, way, WAY more popular than Miley Cyrus is or ever was! For example, I was at the mall the other day frantically looking for a Justin Bieber T-shirt (SHUT UP!!!), and finally found one at Hot Topic buried in between a Twilight "Team Jacob" hoodie (which I also purchased) and a Degrassi High crop top tee (which I will return for next week). Was there any Miley Cyrus paraphernalia there? NOOOOOOOO! In fact the only place I saw any Miley Cyrus t-shirts was at SEARS. (Which should tell one something, should it not??)
Reason #7! "New" Miley Cyrus is way more annoying than "old" Miley Cyrus. "Old" Miley Cyrus would do really annoying things like being photographed making a "me Chinese" slanty-eyed face next to her Asian friend, performing a stripper-style "pole dance" during the Teen Choice Awards, and designing clothes for Walmart. However, "new" Miley Cyrus was recently seen faking a lesbian kiss onstage during one of her shows, ostensibly to show how "edgy" she is now. Dear Miley: WE DO NOT "FAKE" LESBIAN KISSES. I want your tongue so far down that backup dancer's throat, you can taste her tonsils. Then I want your tongue to travel down that girl's intestinal system, out her bottom hole, up her back, and then over her head so it can tap you on the shoulder and remind you that YOU ARE NOT A LESBIAN. (By the way, if you're looking for real lesbians, check out Showtime's new reality show The Real L Word debuting this Sunday June 20 at 10 pm.)
Reason #8! Oh crap, I'm out of space... but... but... JUSTIN BIEBER!!
Reason #9! Her dad's a douche.