2011: The Year in Stuff I Said | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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2011: The Year in Stuff I Said

Wm. Steven Humphrey brings you things Wm. Steven Humphrey said in 2011.



Here are some things I said in 2011. Providing "context" doesn't really help my case.

On Batman:

Attaching a cape to a cowl is the stupidest thing ever. One step on your cape, and NECK SNAP! Stephen Hawking's teaching you how to use your fancy new wheelchair.

On I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant:

It's filled with dramatic re-creations of women who had no earthly idea they were preggo, until one day, whoopsie! Plop! Heyyyyy... why is my toilet crying?

On Tom "Smallville" Welling's Nipples:

Where once these teats were a model of structural perfection - a luminous coral hue, areolas 1.2 inches (30 mm) in circumference, and nipples five-stacked-quarters high - they are now a sad leathery shade of brown, cracked around the edges, and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN??

On My Nipples:

Observe the nipples of a god!! As you can plainly see, MY nippolinis are the stuff ancient sculptors would spend their lives trying to recreate. My areolas? A hot 25 mm in diameter. The color? That of a glorious sunrise. At their most erect, they rise (majestically, I might add) to a whopping 14 mm - long enough to hang your average hat or participate in a ring-toss competition. They often cause those who are 5'4" to receive ocular damage. Why, yes - they DO have the ability to cut glass. And if I fall forward, it's unnecessary for me to put my hands out to catch myself - THAT'S how perky my nipples are!

On Murdering Zombies:

There is nothing funnier than an angry donkey kicking a zombie in the face. Simply point the donkey's hindquarters at a zombie. When the zombie shambles into range, use a long stick with a feather attached to tickle the donkey's anus, and three... two... one... KABOOM! (Bring extra underpants - you may pee yourself laughing!)

On Weenie Dogs:

Weenie dogs are the worst. The worst dogs, yes. But also the worst anything. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races - except the weenie dog race. There's only one weenie dog race I love... and that's when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It's HILARIOUS!!

Also on Weenie Dogs:

Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!

On Billy Goats:

Here's the problem with billy goats: They don't discriminate. As it turns out, billy goats don't give two billy craps whether they're eating unwanted credit-card applications, last week's paycheck, a pot of spaghetti you left on the stove all week, or your genitals while you're asleep. In short, billy goats are baaaaaaaah-d. (Sorry. In fact... I'm sorry for everything.)

"Follow @WmSteveHumphrey on Twitter," and you can quote me on that.

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