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A Brief History of the Winter Olympics


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Dear "snow": YOU BLOW! (Heh.) What's up with "snow" anyway? You certainly never hear about rain turning into boiling water during the summertime! Am I right, people? AM I RIGHT? Anyway, like it or not, snow is like genital herpes - we're stuck with it! And this realization is exactly what inspired the ancient Greeks to invent the Winter Olympics (starting Fri Feb 12, 7:30 pm, NBC). What do you mean I'm stupid and don't know what I'm talking about?? Looks like someone needs another episode of Humpy's "A Brief History of Historical Histories™" series - this time about the Winter Olympics!

Hysterectomy - the kind and wise ruler of Ancient Greece - was pissed as hell that snow and ice were ruining his summer Olympic games, which as we all know, were played exclusively in the nude (for both erotic and comic effect). So he sent out a decree across the land: "Hey, yo, yeah, so until it warms up and shit? We gotta do our games in the snow. So... yeah." (I'm not exactly sure why the King of Greece sounded so much like The Situation from Jersey Shore. I'll need to Wikipedia that.) And so, the first Winter Olympics were born, along with an entire host of new and exciting sports! Such as "Snow Discus!" And "Ice Javelin!" And... and... "Snowball Put"? As you can see, the concept needed a little work! But the games were still in the nude... so there's that.

Flash forward 15,000 years! It is now 2010. Man has yet to eradicate snow. (Annoying!) We continue to celebrate many of the original Winter Olympic traditions, although nudity is not one of them. (Annoying!) And while today's games may not be quite as lame as those in old-timey Ancient Greece, they could still use some Humpy-style improvements such as...

The Biathlon: I will admit this is one of THE COOLEST SPORTS EVER INVENTED! You cross-country ski as quickly as possible, flop to your belly, and fire your high-powered rifle at a target! Finally, an Olympic event designed for assassins! (In fact the only way it could be improved is if you were to actually kill a visiting foreign dignitary, and then bone his grieving wife.) [Men's Biathlon Final, Sun Feb 21, 1:30-3 pm, NBC.]

Ski Jumping: Again, a nearly perfect sport. Idiot skiers hurtle off a huge ramp, skim the stratosphere, and land hopefully without their bones turning into powder. Improvement: Let the biathlon competitors sit in on the side for some "skeet jumping." [Big Hill Ski Jumping, Sat Feb 20, 2:30-4 pm, NBC.]

Skeleton: Not as intriguing as it sounds! Competitors race down an icy course while lying face-first on a one-person sled. OBVIOUSLY, ACTUAL HUMAN SKELETONS SHOULD BE INVOLVED. (Perhaps strapped to a competitor's back?) [Skeleton Competition Begins, Fri Feb 19, 12:30 am- 2 am, NBC.]

Curling: Basically shuffleboard on ice. Two teams try to shove a "stone" toward a target, with competitors skating alongside the stone, sweeping the ice in front of it, so the stone can... JESUS CHRIST! JUST TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES ALREADY!! [Curling Gold Medal Match, Sat Feb 27, 3-6 pm, CNBC.]

As performed in the nude. steve@portlandmercury.com.

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