Come join me over at my chalkboard, would you? Let me spike my hair up and gain 125 pounds and somehow get a nightly FOX News program on which I'm liable to cry at any moment. OK. Good. I am now in full conspiracy theorist mode.
Friends, why don't I let you in on a little secret, all right? The Pittsburgh Steelers will win the Super Bowl on Sunday. They might not win big or even have more points on the board when the clock runs out, but the Steelers will be named champions of the Super Bowl. Why? Um, I think it's pretty obvious. There exists a vast conspiracy to ensure that the Steelers win Super Bowls. Everybody is in on it, especially the referees. This thing goes all the way to the top baby, and you've got blinders on if you can't see it.
Toss me that chalk...
Exhibit #1: The phantom pass interference (2/5/2006)
The Steelers are playing the Seahawks in Super Bowl XL, and in the first quarter Darrell Jackson catches a ball in the end zone, but he's called for offensive pass interference, nullifying the touchdown.
Exhibit #2: The phantom touchdown (2/5/2006)
It's the second quarter of that same Super Bowl and Ben Roethlisberger appears to be stopped at the one-yard line, but the refs give him a touchdown, even when replays show him short of the goal line. Did Roesthlisberger threaten to rape the refs? Probably.
Exhibit #3: The phantom hold (2/5/2006)
Hasselbeck launches a bomb; it's completed. But wait, there's a hold on the play. Don't look for the hold in the replay - you won't see it.
Exhibit #4: The invisible clip (2/1/2009)
Super Bowl XLIII: James Harrison returns an interception 100 yards, but the refs "don't notice" the three or four illegal blocks on this improbable return.
Exhibit #5: The phantom fumble (2/1/2009)
Cardinals Quarterback Kurt Warner drops back to pass with a few seconds left and a chance to win the game. He clearly throws an incomplete pass, but the refs call it a fumble. Game over.
Exhibit #6: The phantom no charge (3/5/2010)
Ben Roethlisberger isn't charged for sexual assault of a 20-year-old college student in a small Georgia town, despite somewhat damning evidence. Big Ben is suspended for six games (but then that is decreased to four games... um, conspiracy anyone?). But come on people, this guy should be in jail.
So, there you have it. Wake up and smell the conspiracy, my friends. The NFL wants the big-market Steelers to win Super Bowls with such frequency that they're willing to keep alleged rapists on the field. How much more evidence do you really need? I mean, there are six items right there for you to look over. What do you expect me to do - interview people or something? It's not 1972. Just look at my chalkboard for crying out loud - and speaking of "for crying out loud" - I'm actually crying out loud right now... because I love football so much that seeing it discredited like this hurts me so deeply.
If you're a Packers fan, you better be prepared for some phantom penalties, inexplicable injuries and maybe even some secret agents dropping from the top of the futuristic Cowboy Stadium. Don't say you weren't warned.