As you already know, I have a complicated relationship with Justin Bieber. About the time his mega summer jam "Baby" hit the airwaves back in 2010, I became Justin Bieber's #1 grownup fan. (I was also in hot contention to become his #1 creepiest fan—but got beat out by some pee-hole who was later arrested on various sodomy charges. BOOOOOO!) I owned at least two Justin Bieber t-shirts; a Justin Bieber shower curtain; Justin Bieber tooth floss and singing electric toothbrush; Justin Bieber dogtags (just in case someone ever started a JB militia); a Justin Bieber action figure (who would fight my GI Joes... and always win); Justin Bieber perfume (which weirdly didn't smell anything like Justin Bieber); and a Justin Bieber wig that I wore to all Justin Bieber fan club meetings—of which I was President, Vice President, and Grand Exalted Dictator of Bieberosity.
HOWEVER. As relationships sometimes do, eventually Justin Bieber and I grew apart. And it was just this week—when I noticed that Das Biebs was scheduled to be the musical guest AS WELL AS the host of Saturday Night Live (NBC, Feb. 9, 11:30 p.m.)—that I began wonder why I was no longer drifting off to sleep wrapped in my Justin Bieber comforter. Here, what I think, are the reasons:
1) He didn't own a comforter with my face on it. Nor dog tags, nor dental floss, nor shower curtain. Obsession is a two-way street, Justin! (You could have at least worn the "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey bunion pads" I sent you.)
2) I didn't like the way he handled puberty. When I hit puberty? In less than three weeks I grew roughly 14 inches in every direction. Hair sprouted out of every orifice. My voice sounded like someone had thrown a cat into a cement mixer. And I lurched around the halls of my middle school like some bizarre, hairy, screeching Golem that was doused in anti-cheerleader formula. Meanwhile, Justin's puberty consisted of his voice dropping an octave, growing six-pack abs and changing his haircut. I kind of hate him for that.
3) And... well... ummm... he's kind of a douche. I didn't mind his jet skis and yellow Ferrari douche-mobiles—that's what dumbass rich kids do with their money. I just don't like the new Justin Bieber—the one strutting around shirtless with droopy drawers and a sideways baseball cap. Or the new Justin Bieber, who, according to Star magazine, cheats on his girlfriend with a nursing student who he takes to McDonalds for dinner, and then back to his place to have sex, smoke dope and drink "Sizzurp" (which apparently is some sort of soft drink made with Jolly Ranchers and Codeine cough syrup???). WHAT????
Look. I don't expect JB to be the same angel-voiced, floppy-haired, pudding-faced pop star of 2010. He's allowed to grow up. He's allowed to change. I just don't want to be around to see it. (Besides, what am I supposed to do with all these Wm™ Steven Humphrey dog tags, shower curtains—and, this just in—cooling hemorrhoid pads? Forget Justin Bieber! America, don't let your obsession with me go to waste!)
Sizzurp me on Twizzurp! @WmSteveHumphrey
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