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A Video Collector's Nightmare: I'm moving and it sucks


Moving... it's a video collector's nightmare. I am now in the process of moving across town and in my day I bought out five, maybe six video stores. That may sound outrageous, but I needed those movies to produce Onslaughts.

What's an Onslaught, you ask? Well, I take lesser-known movies and combine clips of action, gore, sex, bad dialogue, insane rock music and schmaltzy TV themes to mind-numbingly fast edits that blaze directly into your retinas. People have told me that it's like I invented a new drug-after one Onslaught they have to have another. I use my videos as an art form, so much so that at one point an art gallery in San Francisco even had an Onslaught showing. Onslaughts simultaneously. A cable TV station in Manhattan (MNN) showcased 27-minute Onslaughts for three years. I've made 26 two-hour Onslaughts so far, each of which took 350 or more movies to make. You do the math.

A lot of these movies, boxes and titles are art forms in themselves. But the problem is that they are all VHS. Yes, you heard me: V-H-freaking-S! I edit on VHS and then transfer to DVD, a process that may seem time consuming, but to me it's a luxury. It takes a long time to edit, therefore I can sit back and allow my brain to run at hyper speed to create these montages of horrific, humorous delight.

The bulk of the titles in my collection include words such as "evil," "deadly," "massacre," "hell," "slaughter"...you get the picture. Many are collector's items and the titles alone just are too good to be true. I can't make this shit up. Titles include: Vampire Hookers, Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell, Night of the Bloody Transplant, Color Me Blood Red, Invasion of the Blood Farmers, Redneck Zombies, Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures, Creepezoids, Satan in High Heels, The Sinister Dwarf, Evil Spawn, the Video Dead and on and on...

So along with my band paraphernalia and posters, CDs for my Onslaught radio show, and just plain kitschy crap I have collected through the years, I have the daunting task of moving a serious museum. I really need time to go through each one to decide which to keep and which must go, but with time against me, my only solution is to move them all. Some day I plan to rummage through them, and have a big sale...one of these days. Soon! Prices slashed!

Someday in the technological future I'll have these movies downloaded into a beeping light on my hand and with one press of my index finger to my palm, I'll be watching them on my encrypted thumbnail, or so I'm told. But until then and as long as I have this gargantuan form of art, I must lug these videos with me. One day I may shed the video skin and move on to something else, but I'm pretty sure you'll have to pry Meatball Machine from my cold dead hands.

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