America the Fat: Our booming national waistline, Justices free handguns, Cheney's black heart and more! | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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America the Fat: Our booming national waistline, Justices free handguns, Cheney's black heart and more!

EDITOR'S NOTE: After last week's column regarding kief suppositories and questions over President Obama firing General Stanley McChrystal, the Source Weekly was forced to fire Mick McMenaminuses


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EDITOR'S NOTE: After last week's column regarding kief suppositories and questions over President Obama firing General Stanley McChrystal, the Source Weekly was forced to fire Mick McMenaminuses. Kief suppositories may exist, but the demand sparked after Mick's mention overwhelmed international markets; meanwhile, questioning the President of the United States is simply unAmerican. We wish Mick well as he wages a legal defense of previous columns concerning aliens unearthing Gary Coleman's body and accusing members of the Tea Party of inbreeding.

Alex? Zut Alors!

Aiding the media's ongoing efforts to scare and anger everyone is Alex, a tropical storm strengthening in the Caribbean that may or may not push BP's foul secret inland. Two months later, oil is still spewing deep under the Gulf despite reassurances of "relief wells" and technologies from Atlantis for containment. Yet no one is in jail. Try this at home: Change the oil in your car and brazenly dump the black gunk onto your neighbors' yards, then see how fast you end-up in the clink. Maybe worse than the environmental catastrophe and loss of millions of barrels are emerging health problems among workers. Throat and eye irritation, shortness of breath, coughing, nausea and headaches have been officially reported by 128 workers (so far) involved in the cleanup efforts. Interestingly, several affected were exposed to fumes from dispersants that the EPA initially required BP to use before the EPA banned those dispersants.

Russian Spies? Really?

John Le Carre couldn't have written a more ludicrous plotline: Embed several Russian spies in America with fake documentation to obtain citizenship, strategically placed near Washington D.C., the Pentagon and CIA, all the way across America to Seattle, then let them lay dormant for decades. Their kids didn't even know their parents were Russian, and certainly not spies. "Long term, deep cover" is how the FBI is describing the 10 alleged Russians swept-up this week, with one creepy intercepted message reading, "You were sent to USA for long-term service trip. Your education, your bank accounts, car, house, etc - all these serve one goal: fulfill your main mission, ie to search and develop ties in policymaking circles in US and send intels (intelligence reports) to C (Centre)."

In related espionage news: Dick Cheney, another spy (thought to be working for the Saudi royal family in tandem with the nations of Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil and Osama bin Laden) who rose through the ranks to become vice president, was admitted to George Washington University Hospital last Friday to be treated for fluid buildup related "to his aggressive form of heart disease." Of course this is yet another cover for the spy known as Cheney because, as everyone knows, Dick has no heart.

Killing Kagan

Contrary to her promises of "evenhandedness and impartiality" and personal concerns that "our government never oversteps its proper bounds or violates the rights of individuals," Elena Kagan is being treated like a female Democrat trying to seize power from male Republicans. Senator Jeff Sessions (Republican from Alabama, where women and minorities still aren't allowed to wear shoes) is questioning Kagan joining with other colleges to limit military recruiting on campus; she was Dean of Harvard Law School, which raises the question of why the military would want to recruit a bunch of liberal trust-funders in oxfords to fight at all. Kagan will be confirmed, and her role will be critical as the Supreme Court continues to erode state rights; this week the Court ruled that Illinois' 28-year-old ban on handgun ownership was unconstitutional. The 5-4 conservative ruling was led by Bush-era nominee and Count Von Count look alike Samuel Alito

"It cannot be doubted that the right to bear arms was regarded as a substantive guarantee, not a prohibition that could be ignored so long as states legislated in an evenhanded manner," Alito said before counting to 13.

Have you ever been to Southside Chicago at night, Justice Alito? Take a tour and tell us how your handgun protected you. As Clark W. Griswold said, "Roll'em up!"

Wait, Wasn't He
Already Dead?

The longest serving embarrassment in the Senate died Monday at age 92. Senator Robert Byrd, the paradox of the Democratic Party (opposed to Civil Rights when he entered Congress in 1953 yet an outspoken opponent of the Bushes' many Iraq invasions) is finally gone. But his term doesn't expire until 2013, with West Virginia Governor Joe Manchin about to appoint that kid with the banjo from "Deliverance" to replace him. If we've learned anything this month, Byrd's death in office and Helen Thomas' anti-semitic rants while holding an honored post in the White House press corps proves that old people have no place in politics and must be moved to Florida immediately. They are sucking us dry and still use terms like "davenport." Really, people, kiss grandma good bye for the sake of our nation.

Find the Fatty

Guess where all of the obese people in America live? On their couches. Hilarious stuff, just like Steve Carell announcing he's leaving after next season of The Office to "spend more time with my family." Back to triple-chins and the bliss of elastic waistlines. Obesity rates are above 25 percent in 38 states for the first time ever; no state was over 20 percent in 1980. Pathetic and as sure to strain our health care system as baby boomers who refuse to die with dignity (see above), 12 states reported the number of adults saying "they do not engage in any physical activity" rose; diabetes rates jumped 19 percent in the past year alone (coincidence?). All apologies to my editor (and please don't fire me like Mick), but where do all of these fatties live? Down in the good ole south of course.

The list of obese states reads like the Confederacy: Mississippi is the biggest tub'o'sh*t with 33.8 percent obesity rates, followed by a tie between Alabama and Tennessee; for once South Carolina doesn't top a list of stupid stuff, ranking 9th at 29.9 percent. Only Michigan broke the south's hold on sloth, tying with North Carolina for 10th - Blame the militias because, if you're so stupid to think you and a few pals with shotguns can overthrow the government, you surely spend too much time watching the Hitler Channel and eating Twinkies.

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