Cracker Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader, said that mayonnaise-loving Americans were ready for someone "light-skinned" speaking to them with "no Negro dialect" during the Presidential race in 2008. Retroactively reported by fellow SPF 95-users Mark Halperin and John Heilemann in their book "Game Change" this non-news is being touted by minority-loving Republicans (with African-American GOP Chairman Michael Steele the face of the attack, of course) to make Reid step down and Obama to at last admit he was kidnapped while doing community service work in Chicago and brainwashed by China - A Manchurian Candidate who won not because George W. Bush was an awful president and challengers John "I'm Not Creepy" McCain/Sarah "Huh?" Palin sub-par, but rather, because he's an eloquent, intelligent, and inspirational light-skinned black man.
Henry Ford's Tin Grave Turning
While U.S. sales of cars slumped 21% to 10.4 million in 2009, China's jumped 46% to 13.6 million - Supplanting our status as the world's largest auto market. Leaving us only the leader in elastic waistbands, tissues for tears, and inane politicians, China's booming auto market will surely aid its "green" efforts and worldwide pollution. Since Henry Ford's Model T was introduced we have used cars as symbols of prestige and fine killing devices, and Ford Motor Company recently swept the North American International Auto Show in Detroit. Ironically, Ford was the only American auto company to not accept bailout funds and earned nearly $1 billion in profits the last quarter of 2009; GM hasn't shown a profit since 2004 and Chrysler was owned by a bunch of hedge fund managers who have never owned an American car.
Prostitutes and Leno
A new law in Washington D.C. in "Prostitution Free Zones" (a sign that all is well under Federal control) says that cops can arrest any woman found with 2 or more condoms for possible "intention to prostitute," if you don't know, D.C. is the capital of the U.S.A. and also has the highest HIV/AIDS rates in the country, so the use of condoms should surely be shunned. Reruns of "Law & Order" were getting higher ratings than Jay Leno's new show, so brilliant NBC executives are moving the mainstay "Tonight Show" to 12:05am to cure Jay's lame jokes while also giving his chin its own zip code. NOTE: After news of Letterman's carousing with coworkers hit, I've been wanting 'Prostitutes and Leno' as a headline - thanks for understanding.
Gunmen with AK-47 assault rifles opened fire on Togo's national soccer team's bus last week in Angola, killing three and wounding seven; two Angolans have been arrested and, in response, the NRA is now sponsoring soccer worldwide, handing out brochures showing how a person can shoot without using their hands. The last time we saw Mark McGwire he was testifying before Congress saying that he never used steroids; before that he was swatting 70 homeruns in 1998 and breaking the single-season record; now he's back, crying and apologizing for lying about using anabolic steroids throughout his career; "It was foolish and it was a mistake." All is forgiven, Mark, go to Cooperstown with Pete Rose and pay your admission to enter the Baseball Hall of Fame like the rest of us.
Other Stuff We'll Rebuke Later
"This is a strategic decision to ensure the Jewish and democratic character of the state of Israel," said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu while announcing plans to build a big wall along the Egypt border - China tried to warn Israel about wall-building, their ineffectiveness and outside threats, but Israel obviously doesn't listen to anyone. Airlines are eagerly installing X-ray technology - paid for us with taxpayer funds, to make us feel safer - then charging us fees for our bags and pillows on planes; this isn't really news, just another example of us being suckers for fear-mongering after an idiot Nigerian with loaded underwear failed to blow himself up. Not to leave you hanging but, as of press time, nine containers of PETN (the same explosive stuff that idiot Nigerian put in his underwear) are ruptured in Morehead City, North Carolina, and residents told to either flee or "stay away from their windows."
Mick Done Wrong
Your dear narrator, Mick, has been wronged by yet another bank - "America Bank" in downtown Bend, Oregon, recently charged Mick $8 a day for a minor overdraft when one of Mick's many exotic web sites charged his account for drunken late night browsing. Totaling $144 by the time Mick noticed and called "USA Bank" to dispute the fees, the $8 per day fee will be ongoing until Mick's editor finally pays him for this lame weekly column. It is well known that Mick is an irresponsible browser and banker, but "Bank US" really shouldn't charge $8 per day fees for a $24 overdraft. This is just wrong, and Mick thought you should all know.
One Death Overshadowing Another
Casey Johnson's body was found after several days in an LA apartment; dead at 30, Johnson was heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and led a luxurious life full of parties and famous people - None of whom bothered to check on her or pay her a visit. Meanwhile, Miep Gies died at the age of 100, a modest Dutch woman who broke the law during wartime by hiding a family in her attic for two years, then finding and protecting the diary of a young Jewish girl named Anne Frank.