"Oh, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry. "Not another column about hillbillies!" OH, YES INDEEDY! But don't blame me for my obsession with drooling, toothless hill folk. It's a scientific fact there are more TV shows about hillbillies than any other topic. TV looooves the hillbilly - and why not? Other than housewives and people from New Jersey, hillbillies are the last American culture everyone can laugh at, without fear of politically correct reprisal.
"Oh, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry again. "That is CLASSIST." Ha! I agree. It's totally classic. "NO, I said, 'CLASSIST'!" Oh... well... so what if it is?? Hillbillies revel in their individuality and being different from "them gol'durn cityfolk" - so I think they're being classist toward us!
Ohhhhh, you classist hillbillies! With your high-falutin' moonshine, and fancy hound dogs! You think you're sooooo great, don't you? "Ooooh, look at me, I'm a hillbilly! Unlike those stuffed shirts in the biiiiiiig city, I can wear filthy overalls all day long, lose all my teeth, and refuse to conform to society's rigid standards on who or what I copulate with! (And by 'who or what,' I of course mean 'cousin Lulu' and 'the farm hog.') Oooooh, ain't I so much better than you smarty-pants cityfolk?"
Ugh! Those hillbillies think they're so superior. And now they're just gonna feel even more superior-ier, because they're completely hogging the TV airwaves! Here are just a few examples of the hillbilly tsunami that's currently sweeping the television schedule:
* Moonshiners (Discovery Channel, debuts Tuesday, Dec 6, 10 pm). Now, this here is a brand spankin' new show about a clan of hill folk in the Appalachians who carry on the 200-year-old family tradition of brewin' their own alky-holic moonshine. Expect a heapin' helpin' of drinkin', hootin', hollerin' as well as degenerative brain disease and cirrhosis of the liver. OH! And chasin' gol'durn revenooers off their propitty with their squirrel rifle! PEW! PEW-PEW! Yeeeeeee-HAW!
* Call of the Wildman (Animal Planet, Sunday, Dec 4, 10 pm.) Ernie Brown, Jr. (AKA "Turtleman") is a Kentucky good ol' boy who specializes in capturing by hand the most dangerous animals in Hillbilly Land, including giant snapping turtles, venomous spiders, deadly snakes, and perhaps even the occasional greased pig. (Important programming note: Ernie does not copulate or marry any of the animals in this program. Because I knew you wondering.)
* Rocket City Rednecks (National Geographic Channel, Wednesday, Dec 7, 9 pm). Okay, so this may be somewhat hard to believe, but apparently certain hillbillies actually have PhDs - I KNOW!! - and attempt to do things like "science." The twang-talkin' boys of Rocket City Rednecks conduct scientific experiments to improve the lives of hillbillies everywhere, for example, bomb-proofing their pickups (in case terrorists decide to invade their outhouses), building an Iron Man-style exo-skeleton that provides super strength (as well as kills deer), and constructing a rifle-wielding robot whose sole purpose is to stop an asteroid from hitting the earth by flinging frozen watermelons at it. Wait a second... THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!!! Grab mah squirrel rifle, Maw! I'm goin' to college and gittin' me one of them fancy PhDs!
Yeee-HAW! Maw, git mah Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey