Any Band > Nickelback: Detroit Lions fans (and the rest of the sensible world) would rather not have this band ruin Thanksgiving | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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Any Band > Nickelback: Detroit Lions fans (and the rest of the sensible world) would rather not have this band ruin Thanksgiving

Entire nation displeased as Nickelback grabs Thanksgiving halftime show.



For the past 20-plus years, I've been watching the Detroit Lions play one game each year. And if you're a football fan, so have you. This historically bad - until very recently - squad gets (or is forced) to play on Thanksgiving Day on an annual basis. This is weird and some people don't support it, but I do. Leaving the Lions game off the Thanksgiving Day slate would be like deciding to eradicate gravy from your Turkey Day spread - completely unethical.

This year's Thanksgiving game is already in the news, and not because the contest will see the Lions taking on their division rival, the Green Bay Packers, but rather due to the fact that someone with a high level of authority apparently decided to drink some paint thinner and choose Nickelback as the halftime entertainment. A strong contingent of Lions fans are both embarrassed and outraged at this choice, and as of this printing, they'd gathered more than 47,000 signatures on a petition, which points out that the birthplace of Motown could better represent itself to the world by choosing essentially any other band. And do you think Ndamukong Suh approves of this? Hell no. He'll probably punch Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger in the nards.

If you've never heard Nickelback or never heard of Nickelback, count yourself blessed, as your virginal ears have never been assaulted by the sonic abomination that has somehow been accepted as rock and roll music by millions and millions of confused Americans and, most likely, a few more million Canadians. That's right, these guys are Canadian, meaning they don't even celebrate Thanksgiving and since hockey doesn't have a halftime, they'll likely have no idea what the hell they're doing.

What is Nickelback's music like? Well, I assume this is what all rock music would sound like if Hulk Hogan were elected president of world. I used to call it "trailer rock" before I decided that was insulting to people who live in trailers. This bands' singer sounds like he's singing with a handful of marbles in his mouth and some sort of infection in his lungs. Nickelback is to rock music what Sunny Delight is to orange juice. If you're studying for the SAT, this analogy would look something like this - Nickelback: Rock Music :: Sunny Delight : Orange Juice.

For the sensationalists out there, let me put it hyperbolically: Every year, thousands of people die of Nickelback, scientists cannot accurately predict the time at which a Nickelback will occur and, even worse, Nickelback is a threat to national security - no matter what nation you live in.

Detroit Lions fans don't take shit, at least not from anyone other than their own team, so one can hardly expect them to sit idly by as the worst successful rock band of all time (yes, worse than Creed) ruins what is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings in the Motor City since Henry Ford conveyor-belted out free turkeys to the masses.

Football fans everywhere should be putting team allegiances aside and fighting alongside the Lions' faithful, because as we hastily turn off the television and check on the turkey as Nickelback begins their musical flatulence, those folks in Detroit are trapped inside the stadium. It's Thanksgiving, people. Have a heart.

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