There's a chance you're unable to read this. It's quite likely that your vision has been obscured by tears, your belief in love shattered and your ability to even crawl out of bed suspended by a deep depression upon learning this week that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband, NBA star Kris Humphries, to whom she was wed for a mere 72 days.
If you can make out these words, brave soul, fear not. Kim will be back in search of another professional athlete to play the role of her "boyfriend" or "husband" in the myriad of brain-cell-canceling television programs her family occupies. After all, she and Humphries, who is supposed to be a forward for the NBA's New Jersey Nets, but isn't doing much besides getting dumped these days, received a reported $18 million in cash and in-kind compensation for getting married. She'd be silly not to do this again.
The wedding, of course, was featured in a two-part special on E! (Only two parts? Come on, E! She's a famous person!) and aired to high ratings. But now, Kim and her Liza Minnelli lookalike pimp of a mother, will need to hit the pavement in search of another pro athlete (she already dumped football players Reggie Bush and Miles Austin) so they can get busy on "Kim's Fairytale Wedding Part 2: The Revenge." She needs a jock husband, given that one of her sisters is married to the Laker's Lamar Odom and the other has a child with a guy who appears to be a serial killer. That's a lot to live up to.
In case she needs some pointers, here are my recommendations.
Pitcher, San Francisco Giants
This guy, and his Just For Men-assisted beard, love attention and they'd get plenty of it as part of the Kardashian machine. Can you imagine what her mom would think of him? I mean, he's got a beard for crying out loud! That's wacky! If Kim wanted to get rid of him after cashing in on the wedding, it would be easy. She could easily, and probably truthfully, say he's crazy.
Quarterback, Denver Broncos
This could work... well, maybe not. Never mind. He's had it hard enough in the past week. He doesn't need the sort of torment a Kardashian can inflict on one's life.
Quarterback, Pittsburgh Steelers
Oh, you just know Roethlisberger would be down for this. It would be perfect! He just got married this summer, too. Double divorce drama! Also, I bet he likes big butts, a truth about which he cannot lie.
Running back, Miami Dolphins
Yeah, I know. They already dated, but Kim should see if ol' Reginald wants to get back on the booty train for another go. He might need the money from "Fairytale Wedding Part 2," judging from how far his fall has fallen since his Heisman days.
Metta World Peace
The power forward formerly known
as Ron Artest
He's already got some reality chops after appearing on Dancing with the Stars, so he might be a good fit. And then there's the Lakers/Odom connection. That would make for an easy production. But would Kim change her name to Kim World Peace? No. He'd have to change his name to Metta Kardashian, which sounds stupid, so this might not work.