So, yeah. My prediction that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl by way of a vast, mind-boggling conspiracy didn't exactly pan out. Whatever, who cares? I'm onto more important things now - like going out and purchasing all the items the Super Bowl advertisements told me I, as a football fan, should want. People, if you don't support the companies that pay in unicorn blood (the most valuable of all blood) for a 30-second spot during the Super Bowl, there won't be a Super Bowl next year. Seriously.
So, here's what I learned about myself - as a football fan - by the products that were sold to me on Sunday.
Light Beer: Because football fans are too stupid for anything else
Judging from the parade of advertisements for light beer during the game, it appears that we football fans are a frightfully dependent bunch. We will do anything, you see, to get our hands on some foamy, watery, mundanely flavored Bud Light, even if that means enslaving an entire household full of dogs so that we can throw a party with a ton of super hot chicks. Dogs? Hot chicks? And yet I'm able to refrain from making a Michael Vick and/or Ben Roethlisberger joke.
Bieber! In the future! With... Ozzy Osbourne?
Despite the fact that about half hardcore football fans have never heard of this Bieber chick, the Super Bowl machine believes that we want her to sell us some... uh... what in the hell exactly was she selling? Oh, I think it was futuristic unitards, maybe? You know, so we can more easily follow our new time-traveling overlords, The Black Eyed Peas, who indoctrinated us into their cult at halftime. And if this spot wasn't confusing enough, Ozzy Osbourne was there riding the sexy wave to Biebertown while trying to remind football fans that he's still alive, and for whatever reason, still relevant.
Save Tibet? Screw that noise! We want some effing coupons!
Football fans couldn't give two big stinking Roethlisbergers about Tibet or its struggle against Chinese oppression. We're tough guys and tough gals, so naturally we care little for weaklings. But give us the chance to buy half-price food and shit, man, we're all over that. By the way, does Tibet even have a football team anymore? Also, where is Tibet? And isn't the name "Group-On" an awful pun?
Did one of those Kardashian sisters just try to sell us some post-coital shoes?
So, like, did she and that guy just do it? And if so, was she wearing those shoes the whole time?
Buy a Volkswagen and then trick your stupid kid into thinking he's Darth Vader, which is really the career path you should be pushing him toward
Actually, this one was pretty awesome... almost as awesome as the macho fans who pretended not to like this, claiming it to be "for nerds." Also, mark me down for another self-control point for not making any Darth Vader/Jerry Jones quips. I mean, Jones did build football's version of the Death Star... Crap. OK, go ahead and scrap that self-control point.