(Pause. Pause. Pause.) I KNOW, ISN'T IT AMAZING?? You could play Canadian rules football on that forehead! Her forehead is so big, it's a "fivehead." You could write the entire Star Wars prologue on that forehead. Her forehead is so big, Republicans want to drill for oil on it. Hey Christina, IMAX called. They want to rent your forehead. Her forehead is so big, it's got it's own zip code (9021-oh shit, that's a big forehead!). In 1974, Evel Knievel tried to jump her forehead. Christina's forehead is where the National Association of Foreheads hold their annual forehead convention. What did Moses say to Christina Ricci? "Dude, I spent 40 years wandering around your forehead. So back off, I'm mad at you right now." SHE... HAS... A BIG... FOREHEAD!!
That's why it's astounding that Christina's starring in a new ABC show debuting Sunday at 10 pm, entitled Pan Am - an early '60s take on the famous airline, in which her forehead will be playing the runway. Ka-zing-a-ling-a-LING! Okay, actually she's playing a "stewardess" - which is what "flight attendants" used to be called before their egos inflated to the size of Christina's forehead. Ba-dum-BUM! Ka-POWY-zowie-WOWIE!! Goddammit, I'm on fire today!
Seriously though, before I go too far - did you know that Christopher Columbus was the first to theorize that Christina Ricci's head was round? - let's check out some more of this week's huge shows (though not as huge as a certain someone's forehead).
* Charlie's Angels (ABC, debuts Thursday, Sept 22, 8 pm). This reboot of the '70s camp classic will focus less on protruding nipples, and more on ultra-violent kick assery. Is America ready for gorgeous gals shoving a criminal's face through a glass coffee table? (Hey, glass coffee tables don't grow on trees, ya know!!)
* Person of Interest (CBS, debuts Thursday, Sept 22, 9 pm). Rejoice! It's a new action drama from exec producers J.J. Abrams and Jonathan "The Dark Knight" Nolan, starring James Caviezel and Lost's Michael "Ben" Emerson as an ex-CIA operative and his billionaire software genius pal who team up to stop crimes BEFORE they happen. (Warning: Michael Emerson's forehead is also very, very large. But not "Christina" large. Forty-five Michael foreheads could easily fit on a single Christina forehead.)
* Terra Nova (FOX, debuts Monday, Sept 26, 8 pm). It's the year 2149, and surprise, surprise... Earth is FAWKED. Thanks to a convenient "fracture in time" the Shannon family is transported to the age of ass-chomping dinosaurs in order to fix "humanity's mistakes." My suggestions? Kill the person who invented the Bible, get rid of celery, and adjust human DNA to prevent any future Christina Ricci foreheads. (Wait... scratch that... humanity may need a new place to live someday! Ba-dum-BUM! Tsss! Thank yew, thank yew, I'll be here all week.)
My forehead's kind of big, too.