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Civil War! Dispatches from post-Tea Party America

The author is reporting from Fort Pocahontas, not where John(s) Smith's and Rolfe's sexy squaw made camp, but where the United States Colored Troops defeated the Rebels in 1864.



The author is reporting from Fort Pocahontas, not where John(s) Smith's and Rolfe's sexy squaw made camp, but where the United States Colored Troops defeated the Rebels in 1864.

"On the one front we have a secular socialist machine led by Obama, Pelosi, and Reid, and on the other front we have radical Islamists who would fundamentally change this country into a system none of us in this room would recognize," forewarned former House Speaker Newt "Leaving Wives on Deathbeds since 1980" Gingrich at the ironically-named Values Voter Summit this weekend. Now serving as Fear-Monger-in-Chief, Gingrich is yet another disgraced elected official leading a Civil War within the Republican Party.

Senator Jim "Vote For Me to Vote No" DeMint from the stupid yet stoic state of South Carolina is another secessionist. Don't believe me, ask Republican Senator Lisa "RIP Abe" Murkowski of Alaska, who recently lost her primary to unknown Tea Partier Joe "Who?" Miller: "What happened in my particular race, you had the Tea Party Express, this California-based group, come in at the last minute in a campaign, run a mudslinging, smear... They came in, dumped $600,000 into a small market here in Alaska, and they absolutely clearly influenced the outcome."

We know, Lisa, we know. The Republican Party has no policies to run on, thus riding the tattered coattails of the Tea Party's rage against equal rights, roads, healthcare, education and other things taxes pay for to jettison incumbent Republicans deemed "not conservative enough" (read: "work well with others"). The result is Sarah "Have You Seen My Children?" Palin clones appearing on ballots nationwide this fall.

Anti-masturbation Senate candidate Christine "Uhhh... " O'Donnell is the latest deer in the headlights after defeating sitting Republican Delaware Senator Mike "What the F#*k?!" Castle. The scrutiny is intense, with tapes of O'Donnell espousing the joys of witchcraft while appearing on Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" show in 1999, and an official complaint with the Federal Elections Commission that O'Donnell used $20,000 in campaign funds for gas and food last year, even though she wasn't running for any office.

Things have gotten so ugly against incumbents that, after nonpartisan Bellevue, WA city council member John "Please Help!" Chelminian was mauled by a black bear this week, the Tea Party tried to nominate the bear to run against him.

So how will Democrats take advantage of Republican disarray? They won't, because they're Democrats and innately inept. The White House recently dismissed plans to run campaign ads portraying the Party of Lincoln as overrun by Tea Party nut-jobs. Add news from the National Bureau of Economic Research that "The Great Recession" ended in June (that's June of 2009, 15 months ago - how did we miss that?) and things are looking up. New home construction jumped 10.5 percent in August and unemployment claims are dropping. You'd think the donkey would be mounting the elephant by now. But no!

At least Pope "The Original" Benedict XVI got to go to Britain and express his "shock" at the sexual abuse scandal that he covered up while a Cardinal. After meeting a female Reverend (The Horror!) then praising the British for resisting the Nazis (the same Nazis that Pope Pius XII assuaged during World War II), Benedict ignored signs asking if he "fancied the baby Jesus" to go greet 2,500 children. I can't make this stuff up... Speaking of blessed criminals, sociopath Pastor Terry "Jonestown Next" Jones is being billed $180,000 by Gainesville FL for police protection during his Quran burning fiasco. And 28 year-old Bethany Storro of Vancouver, Wash., was found to have lied about the "African-American woman" who assaulted her with acid, when detectives determined that she really threw caustic liquid onto her own face; Storro has been charged with three counts of theft from good Samaritans, and will forever bear scars of her flawed attempt at attention.

Add to that Randy "Not Dennis" Quaid and his wife getting arrested for burglary in California, for living in a guest house they once owned and now don't; things have really gone downhill since "Independence Day" for Quaid, including skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill and an IRS lein for $1.6 million. Up next for Randy: Living in an RV on the Griswold's front lawn, or an orange jumpsuit with Lindsay... Yep, another California Judge has issued another arrest warrant for Lindsay "Duh" Lohan for failing yet another drug test (despite rehab and jail-time prior).

All total, everything's coming up roses. Reports of the Republican Party sweeping this fall are very premature, and Lindsay will soon be back in prison. Maybe porn awaits. Many thanks to sex, drugs and celebrities for reuniting America, God bless us all.

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