Come Back Balloon Boy!: A balloon bubble bursts, the recession ends, China offends and more! | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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Come Back Balloon Boy!: A balloon bubble bursts, the recession ends, China offends and more!

A balloon bubble bursts, the recession ends, China offends and more!


The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from YouTube, where kicks in the groin, hoaxes, and crap artists are encouraged, yet criticism of YouTube and current healthcare - symbolized by water sports as our shared bondage - are flagged for "violating community guidelines," on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Let's Get HI!

Why we elected Obama at last emerged when the administration informed US Attorney Generals to not prosecute stoners in states who really, really need weed for, um, cataracts and bad muscles, and, yah, I was driving down Greenwood and this bike was on the sidewalk and I was like "Whoa dude! You're riding a bike and I'm driving and that's so cool cuz we're both going in the same direction!" And then that song by Neil Young came on about the river and I was singing and then the cop said...

Also, The Recession
is Over! Yay!

Whether you noticed or not, our economy is totally kickin'! The Dow is over 10,000 for the first time in nearly a year (thanks to Bush's tax breaks for the rich, of course) and the overall market - not your real market/community, but the one that destroyed our savings and housing values - is up over 3,000 points. So, in addition to witnessing the worst economy since the first Bush was in office, we are also seeing the biggest boom ever. Awesome! "This is a liquidity driven rally and the market is probably going to keep moving higher over the next few weeks," explained Tyler Vernon, chief investment officer at Biltmore Capital. That's right: Buy some surf'n turf, maybe a Benz, and forget about your unemployment benefits lapsing in weeks. Feels good, don't it? Denial is a powerful thing...

Bernanke Blames Pesky Chinese "Savers"

Forget our outsourced factories and the fact that Bend is so overbuilt that only a major fire will restart construction, Fed Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is blaming Chinese savings for our present $1.42 trillion deficit. That's right, listen to the man who prints our C-Notes, our solution is as clear as Tweaker's next fix, "by establishing a sustainable fiscal trajectory, anchored by a clear commitment to substantially reduce federal deficits over time." Huh? Basically, we need to find a single product that's actually made here - I suggest kittens, racists or economists - then force the Chinese to buy more of it. A fabulous Chairman Mao's stew of hairballs and idiot paper-pushers will fix this trade imbalance soon, as we export more and those silly Chinese start spending all of the money they're saving - And buying from us in the form of our Federal debt.


Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell don't like no mixing - So much so that he refused to wed Beth McKay (a redhead) and Terence (black hair) in Tangipahoa Parish, LA, to be witnessed by Terence's best pal, Phillip (insert fart sound here). "He is not representing all the people that he is supposed to be representing," said McKay, since married and still married, however in love. Bardwell has been in his position for 34 years and, when asked, didn't know about the moonlanding, thought Nixon was still in office, and yelped, "A darkie is in the White House?!" before fainting into his bowl of gumbo. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, an Indian - but not American-Indian, rather Indian-American - is calling to have the Justice's license revoked.

About Balloon Boy

"You guys said we did this for a show," is how the little brat described the events that led to CNN breaking all coverage of Pakistan falling into utter chaos to show pictures of a silver balloon that supposedly had the six-year-old boy on board. Maybe it was a hoax - the Laredo County, Colorado Sheriff, Jim Alderden, is now seeking felony charges - and the aptly named Falcon Heene is obviously more honest than his abusive father, Dick. As the family promptly appeared on the Today show and other parasitic programs - surely banking on not hoaxing - their lawyer said they are "not running from the law." CNN should be subject to some lawsuit, though, as millions of Americans will surely tune in to watch the legal hearings, until a young girl explodes after ingesting Pepsi and Pop-Rocks.

Other Breaking News

President Obama visited New Orleans for the first time, drawing praise and criticism, with Indian-American-Indian Governor Bobby Jindal slurring Obama for not stopping Hurricane Katrina with his magic powers of hope four years earlier. Health Care isn't a universal need, some report by the health care industry said, while profits are critical for the health and welfare of their shareholders. And, finally, all apologies for consistently watching international events, but one-third (= 995,000+) of Hamid Karzai's votes for President of Afghanistan have been thrown out.

Paranormal Activity

Go see "Zombieland" - that brunette is a total babe, Woody Harrelson understands stoners, and (as reported here months ago) he beat up paparazzi at LAX, explaining to the authorities that he'd just wrapped shooting the film "Zombieland" and was still in character upon attacking those photographers. That's super cool, and worthy of your dollars.

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