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Screen » Film Events

Don't Mess with Texas!

This week, the TV devoted to Texas convinces any and all viewers that Texas is the number one state to never visit.

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"The stars shine bright! All day and night! [CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!] Deep in the heaaaart of Texas!" That song is the only good thing about Texas. Now admittedly, I don't know much about the state. I've visited it on only one occasion: It was 1984 and I was a drug mule for a large-ish crime cartel. (Hey! I paid for college without getting student loans. DID YOU??) I was transported into the state by speedboat, and when I came ashore, it looked like a third-world nation. The buildings were decrepit, and the people - most wearing tunics or sarongs - were angrily glaring at my choice of clothing: Daisy Duke shorts and a Loverboy 1983 "Keep It Up Tour" sleeveless T-shirt. The roadside vendors sold a dish called "wet thar dote htoe" - literally, "pork on a stick," which was... WAIT. I'm thinking of Burma. I've never been to Texas.


HOWEVER! Just because I've actually never been to this particular state, doesn't mean I can't make ignorant, sweeping generalizations about it. For example: All Texans eat ketchup on their hot dogs! (An unfortunate choice usually made only by the mentally unfit.) Texas does not have police departments - instead, they use "Walker Texas Rangers." (Not sure how these rangers plan on catching criminals using walkers instead of police cars - but I suppose that's their problem.) Everyone in Texas wears gigantic 10-gallon cowboy hats and boots made from supple dolphin skin, rides bucking broncos to work every morning, and yells, "YEEEEEE-HAW! I DONE STRUCK OIL AGAIN!! I'M GONNA SCREW ME A GOAT!!"

Which actually kind of makes it sound like an interesting place, yes? NO!! Once again, TV rides to the rescue this week with three shows spotlighting why you should never, ever visit Texas under any circumstances. (Unless you're a college drug mule.)

Texas Women (CMT, Thurs Aug 11, 10 pm): This show is billed as "an exciting peek inside the lives of four young, gorgeous, and sassy women working and playing in Fort Worth, Texas." Translated: It's a Sex and the City remake - except in a city teeming with toothless hillbillies, where sex is limited to inbreeding behind the outhouse or, as previously mentioned, goats.

Big Rich Texas (Style, Sun Aug 14, 9 pm): Contrary to popular belief, Texas has rich, entitled assholes just like the rest of the country. (Tip o' the cowboy hat to the Bush family!) This show spotlights eight Dallas, Texas, ladies entrenched in the exclusive world of the city's social elite, where one must strictly adhere to every rule of high society - for example, sculpting one's hair into a granite-hard Aqua Net helmet, endlessly making catty remarks, and injecting enough Botox to make one look like a Cabbage Patch doll trying to squeeze its face through a duck's b-hole.

American Hoggers (A&E, originally scheduled for Tues Aug 16, 10 pm, postponed until fall): THIS JUST IN! American Hoggers - the show you've all been waiting for about a Texas family that chases hogs for a living - has been postponed due to the current heat wave in the area, which apparently severely limits the time a person can safely chase a hog. (I hear ya! Some days it's just too hot to have sex with a goat, or a pig. YEEEEE-HAW!)

Too hot to chase hogs! steve@portlandmercury.com

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