The author is reporting from an aircraft carrier where everyone is asking and telling, margaritas and hotpants now the rage.
"Bigger government, 2,000-page bills jammed through on Christmas Eve, wasteful spending... " Happy Kwanzaa, America! Oh, wait, such things are suddenly bad, according to Senate Minority Leader Mitch "Turtle" McConnell.Feelin' Grinchy? Don't dare touch McConnell's 36 total earmarks, like $4 million for marijuana eradication and $650,000 for DNA research at the University of Kentucky.
We all know that Kentucky is a stoner haven for DNA experimentation but Mr. McConnell has some explaining to do. And explain he did, however poorly. The leader of the "new" Republican party requested his earmarks "before it became clear the appropriations process would end in a huge, end-of-the-year omnibus bill." So, before he decreed earmarks evil, McConnell really, really liked them.
McConnell's nemesis in the Senate, Majority Leader Harry "The Fighter" Reid, best summed up the situation, "If you looked up hypocrisy in the dictionary, under that would be people who ask for earmarks, but vote against" the funding bill, adding that Republicans "hate to vote for them but love to get them."
Is it too late for a recall vote on the midterm elections?
Ponder this: Republicans' unapologetic first priority was tax cuts for the rich and exemptions for estates. Yep, they championed 6,000 total Americans' inheritances while ignoring 14,500 firemen and first-responders from 9/11 who are now sick by blocking and filibustering the James Zadroga 9/11 Health Bill. Zadroga was an NYC policeman who died of respiratory illness after working at Ground Zero.
Thank Jon Stewart of The Daily Show for bringing attention to these patriots (the firefighters and first-responders) and the hypocrites (Republicans). Speaking of hypocrites, Jon Kyl (A-hole-AZ) tried to defend the stonewalling, "It's a lot of money, and so I - my early response is that I am skeptical about that bill." Err, um, yeah... The bill's $6.2 billion cost is already offset by closing a tax loophole, but defending the rich will be a bit passé by 2012, yet invaluable ammo during the elections.
Overseas, the CIA had to recall its unnamed station chief from Pakistan due to death-threats after being named in a $500 million lawsuit filed by a Pakistani man on behalf of his dead son and brother. Yep, Pakistanis now know the CIA's station chief's name, but we Americans aren't allowed... It seems those awesome unmanned drones dropping bombs from 25,000 feet kill more than bad guys, so our sometimes ally is mighty pissed at us. "Their security is obviously a top priority for the CIA, especially when there's an imminent threat," said CIA spokesman George Little (speaking about the security of the station chief, not the locals where our CIA is doing duplicitous things with our tax dollars).
"Don't ask, don't tell" has been repealed by President Obama, who wore a tube-top and hotpants while signing the bill on Wednesday, with Senator John "Bush-Whacked" Kerry donning a violet boa and matching camisole, declaring, "I believe it fulfills an enormous promise of equality in our country. It's an historic day." Of course John "Also Ran" McCain is very sad, warning, "More Marines will die" due to the repeal of the 17-year deep-closet strategy. Yet we all know where his bitterness lies: McCain isn't a handsome man, scarred and balding, Viagra and a stiff drink required, hardly a sexy suitor at a truck-stop, never mind in our newly fabulous military.
So, as you tuck your kids into bed, then hit the bong to wrap and place presents, feel safe and secure, especially now that Phillip Greaves has been arrested. Never heard of Mr. Greaves? Well, he's the author (albeit self-published) of "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover's Code of Conduct." Amazon.com pulled the book from sale in November, then refused to host WikiLeaks in December (miss local, independent bookstores yet?), and of course this case will be thrown out, much like every lawsuit filed against the holy homophobes at Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, who inexplicably picketed Elizabeth Edwards' funeral last week.
The only person less popular than Greaves is another author who writes outrageous books full of dangerous lessons. Sarah "Please Stop Me" Palin has proved even more unelectable than all other 2012 wanna-runs in an ABC News/Washington Post poll, with six in ten Americans saying they "wouldn't even consider voting for Palin for president" and a scant 8 percent saying they would. There is a Santa after all, bringing overdue gifts of sanity and hilarity as we end this sublime year for our somewhat United States.