Did you know the Fox Network is turning a creaky 25-years-old this year? That's the age when most people realize they're no longer children and may very well end up lonely underemployed potheads living in their grandmother's garage. (Not you, of course.) (Yes, you.)Anyway, Fox is celebrating it's anniversary this Sunday (April 22) starting with a rebroadcast of the 1987 premiere episode of Married... with Children at 7 pm, followed by a repeat of The Simpsons 500th episode, and THEN at 8 pm, the star-studded FOX's 25th Anniversary Special featuring classic clips from That '70s Show, In Living Color, and more! Note: Don't expect any mention of The Chevy Chase Show. (1993-1993, R.I.P.)
Now while FOX has certainly produced a J.LO-sized ass-load of great TV - QUICKLY! Here's my top ten list of "Best FOX shows EVARRR!": 10.) New Girl, and YES, I AM putting New Girl on this list, and YES, you can suck it!! 9) Married... with Children. 8) Martin. 7) In Living Color. 6) The Ben Stiller Show. 5) Profit (sooo good... Google that shit). 4) Firefly. 3) The X-Files. 2) The Simpsons (not "best" anymore, of course). And 1) Arrested Development. OH! And honorable mention: Malcolm in the Middle. HOWEVER! FOX also made a Shakira-sized ass-load of stinkos! STINKOS I ABSOLUTELY LOVED! Introducing "Humpy's Top Ten List of FOX Stinkos (That Were Actually Pretty Great)":
#10: Beverly Hills, 90210 - High school angst pared with Brenda's droopy left eye and Dylan's hair implants? Sign me up for 10 seasons!
#9: 21 Jump Street - I don't care if they were undercover high school narcs! I'd gladly surrender my five lb. bag of "Mary Jo Wanna" if Johnny Depp were slapping on the cuffs!
#8: Dollhouse - Clearly the worst offering from nerd god Joss Whedon, and yet? Even his stinkiest poop is better than anything on CBS!
#7: Fastlane - A criminally underrated action show starring Twilight's Peter Facinelli, MTV's Bill Bellamy, and Saved by the Bell's Tiffani-Amber Thiessen! The only thing missing? Above mediocre ratings.
#6: Dark Angel - Something something something a 19-year-old Jessica Alba dressed in leather.
#5: The Simple Life - Debutantes Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are forced to inhale cow manure and be nice to poor people. That's hot!
#4: Models, Inc. - One of the last great trashy soaps from Aaron Spelling, and a spin-off of Melrose Place, which was a spin-off of Beverly Hills, 90210, which was a spin-off of Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment. (What? You didn't know that?)
#3: Melrose Place - Franken-Kim! Sydney the whore! Amanda the bitch! And... that poor black girl that disappeared after the first season. Oh! And "Shooters"!
#2: The O.C. - A nighttime soap that would've been pure disaster without the awesome indie rock soundtrack and dysfunctional romance of Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts. (Though part-time lesbian/full-time drunk Marissa grew on me.)
And my #1 (obvious) choice: Celebrity Boxing - The greatest reality show of all time, forcing terrible D-list celebs (like Dustin "Screech" Diamond vs. Ron "Horshack" Palillo) into the ring to punch each other's faces off! My only regret? No Celebrity Pudding Wrestling! (Featuring Jessica Alba vs. Summer Roberts.) OH, FOX. How you have failed me!!
Twitter! It's a Shakira-sized ass-load of fun. @WmSteveHumphrey