Friend Of The Devil Pat Robertson on contract law, attack of the drones and more! | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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Opinion » Editorial

Friend Of The Devil Pat Robertson on contract law, attack of the drones and more!



The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from - where the next great author is recording an awesome tale, usually in his/her bathroom (for better sound of course) and giving it away for free (donations are encouraged) - on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

An Abridged History
of Haiti

Columbus lands on Caribbean island in 1492, claims it for Spain; the indigenous Taino people are soon nearly extinct; Haiti becomes French colony; U.S. wins independence and, encouraged, Haitians win theirs in 1804 (by making "a pact to the devil" - according to Pat Robertson) only to be refused recognition by the U.S.; several failed presidencies and dictatorships; U.S. occupies the country until 1934, at the behest of American banks concerned about the country's foreign debt; backed by the C.I.A., Francois Duvalier becomes dictator and slaughters 30,000 fellow countrymen; more dictators and military juntas; HIV/AIDS hits the nation especially hard (but curiously not its neighbor, the Dominican Republic); more failed governments until the January 12, 2010 earthquake, killing up to 200,000. Now the U.S. is offering more aid and desperate Haitians aren't apprehensive one bit. At least 300 Haitian children have already been adopted by Americans, and President Obama promises the U.S. "won't abandon a neighbor in distress" while rebuilding the nation (which we're really good at by now, in Iraq and Afghanistan). Former presidents Bill Clinton (who utterly ignored AIDS, like Reagan) and George W. Bush (who did a "heck of a job" handling Hurricane Katrina and rebuilding New Orleans) are now leading a "major fundraising initiative for Haiti" - Dubya will look for oil under the island and Slick Willy will offer those fine ladies his mojo.

and Drones

Our FBI used the image of leftist Spanish politician Gaspar Llamazares to depict Osama bin Laden as aged then almost apologized by saying, "That was not normal procedure. It was completely unintentional and the FBI is looking into it to prevent it from happening again." Four missiles fired at a compound purportedly killed 20 in South Waziristan, Pakistan, on Sunday; a drone attack last week definitely missed its target, with Taliban leader Hakimullah Mehsud saying on a tape, "Neither have I been martyred in a drone attack or injured." An air raid by Yemeni forces (read: CIA operatives and Saudi planes bought with our oil dollars) killed six al Qaeda operatives in Yemen, including its commander, Qassim al-Raimi; as of press time, 600 young Yemenis were waiting in line to replace the martyred. Meanwhile, Monday saw President Hamid Karzai's palace under attack by the Taliban in Kabul, Afghanistan.

Tales From the 'Net

Google is threatening to pullout of China and/or stop filtering news and sites that the Communist Chinese government doesn't approve of, after chronic "inside job" hacks of gmail accounts belonging to human rights advocates; in response, Microsoft offered its latest lame search engine and told the Chinese government that hacking and filtering its products may make them work properly. An antitrust lawsuit against Sony Corp., Vivendi SA, Time Warner Inc., Warner Music Group and EMI Group Ltd. is being allowed to proceed, the US Court of Appeals ordered last week; these companies control over 80% of all digital music online and "may have conspired" to fix prices and control the marketplace - Gee, ya think so?

Our Heroes

After saving our "National Treasure" and stealing lots of cars in 60 seconds, Francis Ford Coppola's less talented relative, Nicolas Cage, now must pay the IRS $14 million to settle outstanding tax debts, having sold several castles and mansions that he never should have bought. Haitian-born musician Wyclef Jean tearfully denied allegations of his Yele Haiti Charity being a front for his production company, stealing (err, "sampling") more old songs to make up for a lack of new material, and basically, for actually being invested in Haiti while other foreign organizations like the Red Cross ($21 million via text so far) race to raise money for things we'll never fully know.

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