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From The Meddle East: Phony heroes, justice delayed but not

Phony heroes, justice delayed but not.


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The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a place called Narnia, where a lion rules, this evil witch is everywhere, yet Viggo Mortensen is nowhere to be found, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Liar Liar

Richard Strandlof has led quite a life: At the Pentagon on 9-11 when it was attacked, surviving again when a bomb went off in Iraq (four of his fellow Marines weren't so lucky), living with a metal plate in his head and starting a charity to help other injured vets. Except none of it happened; Strandlof now faces charges of "stolen valor" (akin to Cheney but Iraq-status-justice) - including up to a year in prison and $100,000 fine. On 9-11, he was actually in a San Jose, CA, homeless shelter, and never served in the military; still he formed the Colorado Veterans Alliance, and appeared with at least one politician hoping to benefit from Strandlof's heroism. "Hopefully the people that I hurt can in some way gain closure from that, and I myself don't know what I can do, short of leaving them alone and not being in their lives, to make that happen," somewhat-apologized Strandlof. Didn't disgraced Samurais fall on their swords? Give this guy a dull butter knife, or 10 minutes in a locked room with real Marines.

In Addition to that Guy, Yet Another Reason Not to Reproduce

When the world hits nine billion people by 2050, we're gonna be hungry. Like so hungry that Hot Pockets and tofu will be tasty. According to the Food and Agriculture Organization, we will need to increase food production by 70 percent (plus another billion tons of cereal, and add 200 million tons of meat) by 2050 to feed the world. Thankfully, I just read this book on 2012 and have no fear, for a major event will happen, making us more spiritual and destroying all technology, making fat nerds (who suddenly have no Internet) incredibly attractive and young girls legal. Hardly two years away! Yay!

Back to the News,
and Nobel Obama

More premature than a sophomore at his first prom, the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to President Obama - Yep, that's right. In office a little over eight months, two wars still raging, Iran has more secret nukes sites, Israel acting like, well, a sophomore at his first gun show, and our Prez is getting the nod? For inspiring "Hope" and reaffirming the status of the UN (see below) were cited by the committee as reasons for giving Obama this prize, created by the inventor of dynamite. Note: Ghandi never won the Nobel, but Henry Kissinger did, 'nuff said? Time to act, Obama, enough talk...

UN Admits Afghan Election Issues

As reported here for months, something stinks in Afghanistan, as UN Envoy Peter Galbraith was dismissed for speaking the truth about "ghost polls" that helped Hamid Karzai merely tie his presidential opponent, Abdullah Abdullah. Now, one of two Afghans in charge of the election has quit; Maulvi Mustafa Barakzai cited "foreign interference" as his reason for walking away. It seems that UN election officials only met with Karzai's people (never the opposition) and ignored clear warnings that unpopulated regions were reporting huge numbers of votes in favor of Karzai. What's the skinny? Where's the pipeline going to be built, and when will Karzai's brother be arrested for running opium? For a president put in power by us, Karzai sure ain't winning his peoples' love (much like every leader put in power by us).

More on Men of Peace (and their pathetic heirs)

Let's keep this out of the public eye, okay kids? In a last minute deal, the heirs of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. settled their latest squabble over his legacy and whatever money a man of God left behind. Bernice King and Martin Luther King III were suing their brother Dexter (not to be confused with TVs serial killer) for fraudulently moving funds from the estate. Interestingly, Dexter was countersuing to force Bernice to give back love letters central to a $1.4 million book deal. Add to this the wise heirs of MLK selling his "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" a few years ago and the three descendants of a great man really need to get real jobs, while MLK's estate needs a truly impartial executor.

One Fine Piece of
Female News!

The first woman to win the Nobel Prize for economics is American! Elinor Ostrom (the female) and Oliver Williamson won for showing how communities can be far more effective than governments in managing land tracts and basic functions, especially to avoid conflict (surprise!). "I'm still a little bit in shock," said Ostrom.

Better Late Than...

Louis Armando Pena Soltren, 66, has been on the loose for 41 years. For what, you may ask - traffic tickets, unpaid parking? No, Mr. Soltren boarded Pam Am flight 281 at JFK to Puerto Rico, stormed the cockpit over Bermuda (with guns and knives he and two cohorts smuggled on board in a diaper - hmmm, we "couldn't imagine" 9-11 could we?) then forced the plane to land in Cuba, where Mr. Soltren has been living until surrendering to FBI agents in New York on Sunday. Next up: Bin Laden found in Toronto, auditioning for a role in Oprah's "The Color Purple."

Lastly, About That
Other 'Stan

41 were killed and dozens wounded in a checkpoint bombing in Rawalpindi, Pakistan, on Monday; this is the same Rawalpindi where militants brazenly attacked the army headquarters on Saturday, took 39 hostages that were freed (mostly, except for the four killed during the rescue) when the Army decided to retake its headquarters; this isn't far from where 45 were injured in an explosion in the previously peaceful Swat Valley; not too far from where Pakistan's nuclear arsenal is kept, totally safe and sound, don't you worry one bit.

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