From Vancouver to Kandahar: Shaun White spins, Tiger counts his sins, and more! | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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From Vancouver to Kandahar: Shaun White spins, Tiger counts his sins, and more!



The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the land created by Mr. Cheney, where myth and facts entwine - on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Olympics, Ughh

Haven't our standards for Olympic "sport" sunken rather low (or gone too extreme for other countries to compete) and why do metrosexuals seem to be everywhere? Apolo Ohno is now "the most decorated" U.S. Winter Olympian (Eric Heiden, puhleeze... ) Shaun White is totally kickass and his "double McTwist"1260 was astonishing - but is it sport? Fellow snowboarder Scott Lago left the Olympics voluntarily with a bronze after sexy pics of him and a fan hit the porn-net; skier Bode Miller finally got gold and has the most alpine Olympic medals of any American skier in Vancouver­ - after taking the year off and considering quitting. Our hockey teams are on top, as are we; time for "amateurs" again, eh?

Alexander Haig
May Be Dead

He told Ford to pardon Nixon then took control of the White House when Reagan was shot. Alexander Haig, the four-star general who served three presidents and failed twice to attain the highest office - yet still became the dictator America never needed - died last week at 85 - or did he? Dictators don't die; they merely slaughter everyone so only they may write their history. Think psychopaths like Ivan the Terrible, Napoleon, Hitler, Disney, Streisand, Cheney...


Ratified in 1791, state sovereignty was a late addition to the Bill of Rights; long after freedoms of speech and press, the right to bear arms and due process were proclaimed. The 10th Amendment reads: "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people." The Founding Fathers were basically saying, "In case we forgot anything, you figure it out... " Of course this is now being perverted by Tea Baggers and other brown-shirts disguised as super-caring citizens only concerned about our country. To repeat: They take no responsibility for GOP fiscal and moral bankruptcy, and have no problem with Obama being black. ("Don't you dare call us ignorant or racist! Obama's the ignorant racist Socialist!") Coming to a state capitol near you: Tenthers with vague bills (much like the 10th Amendment) for scared incumbents to debate. Virginia has already passed the "Health Freedom Bill," saying that no Virginian may be forced to pay for universal health care coverage. (Hmmm, which HMO helped write that bill?) Meanwhile, South Carolina Tenthers are lobbying to ban Federal currency - as well as books and basic common sense. In related news, a man with tax troubles flew his plane into an IRS building in Austin, TX (his daughter is calling him a "hero"), and a man in Casper, WY, blew up his home before it was foreclosed on. Don't call it terrorism; call it concerned citizens doing their patriotic duty.

Annual and
"Inactivity" Fees

Credit card reform is here, yay! Long overdue, credit card companies can't jack up your interest rate without explanation, or target teenagers. Gracefully, these fine firms are already finding new ways to suck us dry with the rebirth of annual fees and maybe the most mysterious charge since that night you drank tequila and started dialing late-night TV dating lines - "inactivity" fees. Yep, credit card companies practice usury for what we buy, and now, for not buying anything at all.

Ain't Capitalism Awesome?

According to a new Health and Human Services report, the five largest insurers' profits increased 56 percent in 2009, and calls are being made to force them to either announce or get approval for rate hikes.

After defying China, our biggest creditor, to meet with the Dalai Lama, Obama is in the mood for a fight at the health care summit this week. "Facts" will be offered - a rare thing amongst elected leaders. Already stripped from revised health care reform bills are "special breaks" for congressional "leaders" and their favorite donors (and future employers).

Shhh, We're Still At War

"They'll be tough. In efforts like this, they're always tough," said General Petraeus, commander of the U.S. Central Command (redundancy is critical when the Pentagon is spending hundreds of billions of tax dollars) of losses in Afghanistan and elsewhere as Obama targets the actual people who attacked us. FYI: We just kicked some serious Taliban butt in the Helmand Province, booting them out of their former stronghold of Marjah. Pointing out that 9/11 was planned in Kandahar (that's in Afghanistan, not Iraq, Mr. Bush/Cheney/GOP), Petraeus agreed that GITMO must be closed, adding (and contradicting the former VP of Fear-Mongering who, BTW, was hospitalized this week and, alas, "feeling much better"), "Al Qaeda has been diminished... It may be barbaric and may believe in extremist things, but it is a thinking network... Looking for any opportunity to attack our country and our allies."

"The Price is Right" Was Preempted For This?

Action! Reveal a ruffled, slightly balding man in suit coat and blue shirt, no tie, a bizarre ethnicity mix of black, white, Asian and idiot: "I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you." (eyes in camera) "I have put you in this position... For all I have done, I am so sorry. I have a lot to atone for."

Apology over, he now turns on the press - "golf journalists" boycotted this staged event. "It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our family. Elin deserves praise not blame... Please leave my wife and kids alone."

Wrap with mentions of Buddhism, some semblance of purity, then remind us why we care about you: "I do plan to return to golf one day."

That's a wrap! Back to therapy with you, Mr. Woods. Maybe learn that the world doesn't revolve around you, douche.

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