But now I'm an adult, and I'm pretty sure my mom was joking about the brain microphone. On the other hand, she's remarkably accurate when it comes to details about my private life. For example, just last week, she calls me up on the telephone, and says, "I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN MASTURBATING. YOUR BRAIN MICROPHONE TOLD ME." And I was like, "Bull-plop, Mom! I'm a thousand miles away! The brain microphone can't transmit that far!" And she was like, "Sure, maybe five years ago... but now I've got SATELLITE."
So anyway, I've come to accept that my mother knows whenever I'm masturbating. That's why I try to imagine the most awful, kinky things possible, so she'll get totally grossed out and stop listening in.
Oh, that reminds me! There are a couple of new shows debuting this week that have a lot to do with my mom, as well as my bizarre sex habits.
* Strange Sex (TLC, Sun July 18, 10 pm): The channel that regularly brings you dwarves, couples with eight children, and dwarves with eight children now casts its gaze on the always hard-to-sell topic of SEX. Check out such kinky fare as a 73-year-old grandma who likes banging 30-year-olds, a woman who tries to achieve orgasm during childbirth, and a man who imagines making love to a package of pimento loaf in order to gross out his mom (wait, that's me).
* Mary Knows Best (SYFY, Thurs July 15, 9 pm): This reality show documents the lives of psychic Mary Occhino, her husband, and her three wiseass kids. Mary's crazy mental powers allow her to predict the future and communicate with the dead, and - added bonus! - since she's a Long Island Italian-American, she sounds exactly like Carmela Soprano, if she were able to read your every thought and accuse you of masturbating too much. NOTE TO MY MOM: You will never, ever be in a reality show with me.
Tap, tap, tap. Is this thing on? firstname.lastname@example.org