Despite being surrounded by numerous friends who fell victim to the flu going around, I had managed to stay healthy since March of last year, never even getting a cold. "Probably because I take really great care of myself," I smugly announced whenever the subject came up.
The universe apparently took my smugness as a challenge, and I'm writing this while on day five of being humbled beyond belief.
Between epic bouts of vomiting and a triple digit fever, I've tried to stay positive. But I've been failing miserably, so this week's column is a fever dream rant against things in the cannabis world that just need...to... stop.
Instagram dab smoking videos
Putting a video of yourself taking the big, bigger, biggest dab hit ever needs to stop. Why are you doing this? Do you want recognition that you have working lungs? Fine, Champ, kudos to you and your functioning respiratory system! Do you want me to comment "Whoa, dude, that looks awesome!" I'm not going to do that. The same way I wouldn't do that with a video of someone chugging a beer or devouring an entire pizza in one sitting. Inhalation isn't entertaining. It's called breathing. So don't be like this guy below. Just. Don't.
Weed leaves on every item of clothing
A client was recently nominated for a Dope magazine award, and I went to the awards ceremony in their place. It was a black tie affair, which some people took to mean wearing clothing head to toe with cannabis leaves. A tie with a single cannabis leaf on it is subtly making a statement. To have every other inch of your clothing covered with them looks desperate. At the annual Dunkin Donuts franchise awards ceremony, people don't show up in tuxes covered in donut imagery.
- You too can get cannabis camo tracksuits. But... don't.
Calling good cannabis flower "fire"
Unless you are 25 or younger, stop doing this. There are numerous online free thesauri, so use them to find other words that mean "spectacular" "amazing," etc. Use the majesty of our language to craft better terminology.
Talking over women
The day before the flu struck me down, I produced an event. One of the sponsors is a brilliant international traveler who has forgotten more about cannabis and terpenes than most people will ever know, and her company does some truly groundbreaking work. Yet, I watched while one white male after another opted to interrupt, talk over her, and loudly proclaim that, yeah, they already knew that, because they were doing the thing in question long before anyone else had even considered it. In a surprise to no one who has ever left the house, the women in attendance were attentive listeners who didn't feel a need to assert dominance over the conversation, and had an exchange based on respectful, engaged listening. Guys, I recently confirmed this with a physician friend: Your penis will not become permanently flaccid if you shut your ever-flapping jaws and let a woman talk. Not doing so, however, ensures that no woman will want to see said penis anytime soon.
- Unless you're Snoop Dog/Lion... don't be flappin' those gums.
Flapping your gums excessively
Christ on a crutch, cannabis industry people, nothing makes me want to see you fail more than viewing numerous social media posts of insipid platitudes and boastful statements. They fall into two categories: How you are hustling and struggling harder, earlier and longer than anyone else, and how much your enemies and opponents don't get how hard you are, and how their transgressions against you are just making you stronger, and they will suffer your wrath when you ascend to the throne. Two insights: Real ballers don't waste valuable time (that could be used in doing actual work) crafting pathetic posts about how hard they're working. Furthermore, it's highly suspect your haters are obsessively following your SM feed to see if you are getting stronger, and then quaking in fear when you state as much. Try this: Keep it to yourself. No one cares. You aren't scaring anyone.