The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the White House, trying to explain to Secret Service how he crashed Malia and Sasha Obama's pajama party, wearing a violet tubetop and Hawaiian grass skirt, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Did anyone see a different ending to this? Maurice Clemmons was shot and killed in south Seattle early Tuesday, after walking into a coffee shop and shooting four cops dead on Sunday. Following several standoffs and cops arresting an undisclosed number of people who had "helped" Clemmons (which will surely help relations between locals and cops, and prevent a similar episode in the future), this is how most cop killings end - killed by cops. Yet Clemmons is a special kind of psycho: Reportedly, he forced his relatives to undress, to be "naked for at least five minutes on Sunday" and believed he was Jesus and could fly; in May, Clemmons punched a sheriff's deputy in the face.
Why so angry, Maurice? Maybe bitterness at the mercy the system showed him: Clemmons was sentenced to 95 years in prison in 1989 in Arkansas, but Governor Mike Huckabee commuted the sentence and freed Clemmons in 2000. "Should [Clemmons] be found responsible for this horrible tragedy, it will be the result of a series of failures in the criminal justice system in both Arkansas and Washington state," said Huckabee's office on Sunday. Gee, ya think so? As of press time, Huckabee is still babbling ludicrous solutions for government, praying a lot, and pondering another run for president in 2012. And Seattle cops are protecting and serving the city with a swagger in their steps, as citizens look on, silent.

Speaking of Wannabes

Out of respect to you, dear reader, this column will devote no space to name the myriad liars turned media darlings. From balloon boy to homeland security threats who crash critical dinners with the India's Prime Minister, the sorry state of America is being televised ad nauseum. Yet the media is so disgusted with reality show wannabes ("Coming up next: Five writers are locked in glass boxes in Times Square to try to write the Great American Novel - The librarians have to boot one of them this week, or get sexy with all of them... ") that talk shows are busy booking these wannabes to make sure it doesn't happen again and say inane things like, this is, "the most devastating thing that's ever happened to us." (actual quote) BOOHOO!

The Truth? We'd rather watch others' home improvements and weight loss than actually partake in our own, then whine how our government is failing us. Said American patriot Robert Hass: "A healthy democracy must discourage apathy and respect dissent."

Still, This Celebrity Stuff Is Simply Rich!

Former Miss Argentina, Solange Magnano, age 37, died after undergoing plastic surgery on her buttocks. After saying summer reports of an engagement were "completely false," Chelsea Clinton will in fact marry longtime boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky; Bill and Hillary are ecstatic, and the former president said to be very "hands-on" with selecting the right dresses for his daughter's bridesmaids. David Hasselhoff was hospitalized this past weekend for as-of-yet unknown reasons (either drunkenness or something involving a hamster) while his ex-wife Pamela Bach was arrested for DUI by California Highway Patrol; following the hospitalization of its former driver and the arrest, KITT was quoted as saying, "This has been a sorry downward spiral, Knight Rider is dead to me."

Important Stuff
Before You Forget

Citing the standard "family reasons" (read: "I got fired." or "I was starting to hate myself.") Phillip Carter resigned last Friday after less than seven months of being in charge of closing GITMO; 215 suspected terrorists are still held at the Cuba detention facility and the Obama Admin has a self-imposed deadline to close it by January 22, 2010 - Think that's gonna happen now? Equally awkward news: "Draft Dick Cheney 2012" was launched last Friday, an organization trying to get the GOP to back Darth Vader for a run in 2012; "There is only one person in our party with the experience, political courage and unwavering commitment to the values that made our party strong - and that person is Dick Cheney." said a spokesman for the group.

The Mayans predicted all of this: A pale man with a cold, metal heart will arrive in 2012, reaping chaos and death across the land, followed by a long sigh and someone whispering, "WTF were we thinking?"

Also, As Of Press Time

President Obama stood at West Point and told cadets that he is shuttering the Pentagon. That's right, instead of announcing the expected surge (costing around $1 million per soldier per year) of 30,000+ troops (= $30,000,000,000) to Afghanistan, Obama ignored the teleprompter and said, "I'm no LBJ. Heck, I'm hardly Truman. Inheriting wars is so Italian and I'm not taking the bait. I also read this week that Bush-Cheney could have killed Osama in 2001 at Tora Bora, but instead invaded Iraq. So, before taking the podium I ordered nuclear strikes on Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iran. We have also overthrown the Saudi ruling family and will no longer blindly support Israel. There you have it, Checkmate beeeyaaatch!" Confused West Point cadets were then handed brochures on public service and brooms, told to clean up before they leave, and salute a president who finally has the testicles to starve the military industrial complex.

NOTES

None of the above happened; we'll be in Afghanistan a long time; we won't hold Bush-Cheney responsible for anything, even as Britain holds hearings on the false pretenses for the Iraq war; we'll continue to bolster the Saudi ruling family.