How To Defend Big Ben: Grilling Roethlisberger, the insurance racket, soft drink taxes and more! | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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Opinion » Editorial

How To Defend Big Ben: Grilling Roethlisberger, the insurance racket, soft drink taxes and more!

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The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from D.C., marrying his new pal Gary for a goof, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

Kettle said "Say What?" to the Pot

"The reconciliation rules have never been used... " repeated Orin Hatch (R-Utah) over and over on Meet the Press, proving the GOP is more redundant than Lil Wayne (who is now serving a one-year sabbatical at Rikers Island on gun charges) "The reconciliation rules have never... " Really? Do any parents remember the S-CHIP bill that brought health care to uncovered children? That's just one evil example of legislation passed by Obama and Dems in that underhanded manner, via reconciliation... How about Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy, adding $1.7 trillion to our debt? Yep, holier than thou Republicans have used reconciliation for only good, right? Reconciliation is a ruse so Republicans can object to the process rather than a health care bill that has most of their wants included - too bad Dems (who called reconciliation "the nuclear option" under Bush) are wimps trying to help the sick and needy, while the GOP (which calls Obama a racist Mexican woman) cares only about fiscal responsibility and freedom, err, corporate donors and regaining power.


Red-Handed

A report in the Wall Street Journal shows that insurance companies are raising rates dramatically due to a lack of competition. Too bad those big mean Dems recently stripped decades-old antitrust exemptions from our caring health care providers/insurers/ blood-sucking swine. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius sent out letters to the nation's largest insurers demanding that they justify rate hikes of up to 39 percent after posting multi-billion-dollar profits last year. One response read: "Dear Secretary Sebelius: You already know insurance doesn't exist, we'll deny you anyway. Just try and stop us. Yours truly, the industry... "

Iraq Elections

Compared to when Saddam was "elected" then had his opponents escorted outside to be executed, Iraq's elections for a new National Assembly this weekend didn't go too bad - "only" 24 people died (based on preliminary reports) and there were several bombings, called "mostly ineffective" by security troops. Everything's awesome, even evil Shiite leader Moqtada al-Sadr was campaigning, Democracy has been installed! When should we expect repayment for liberating you? In related news: Gas prices have been rising 10 percent each week. If only we could find a foreign ally with lots of oil...

Big Ben

"We anticipate interviewing him at a certain point in the next couple of days," said police chief Woodrow Blue of the ongoing investigation into whether Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger raped someone - again. Yep, Woodrow Blue is gonna get down to the bottom of what happened last Friday in a "rural Georgia" nightclub (meaning back-assed juke-joint). "Ben is completely innocent of any crime," said the two-time Super Bowl champion QB's attorney (of course), yet the fact that his client also has a civil compliant filed against him for another "completely innocent" incident in Lake Tahoe last year doesn't help. As of press time, NFL scouts are still pinching and prodding strong young men, eager to give them millions of dollars for playing a game.

Ponder Paying
For Water...

Look at the ads opposing New York state's efforts to tax (a penny per ounce) sugary soft drinks from Coke and other beverage conglomerates, "I'm a deli owner boo-hoo and my customers boo-hoo... " paid for by "New Yorkers Against Unfair Taxes" and other shadow fronts for Coke and other beverage conglomerates. Sales of soft drinks in New York schools alone have dropped over 88 percent in under three years, replaced by water, fruit and energy drinks sold by Coke and other beverage conglomerates. Future diabetes rates may improve (and the average American will lose around 5lbs per year, according to doctors) but we're just glad that Coke and other beverage conglomerates diversified in the nick of time - then hired a bunch of lobbyists and advertising execs.

"Disorders" and
Other Food News

According to a new report from the American Psychiatric Association, "untreated" mental disorders cost us $70 billion annually. Yep, according to shrinks, 22 percent of us have mental health problems and we need to see a shrink; it's hurting the economy for Pete's sake - go see a shrink for a disorder you probably don't know you have until you go see a shrink. China is considering banning the eating of cats and dogs, citing pressure from groups and the reality that world leaders only eat animals that aren't cute.

D.C. is Gay!

Tuesday was the first day for marriage licenses for same-sex couples in Washington D.C. Somewhere in the nation's capitol a deeply-closeted Republican Senator considered his hypocrisy and whether he should divorce his wife, tell his Evangelical voters, and marry his handsome aide, then he thought otherwise and started drafting a bill to keep the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and bar-code all Americans who hate freedom.

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