Easily the best thing about the new Conan is Jason Momoa (who owned in Game of Thrones) since he's much closer to Howard's vision of Conan than Arnold was. I was raised on Howard's books and I never forgot how Conan was described as moving like a panther, whereas Arnie moved like a bull crossbred with an Austrian bodybuilder. Momoa not only moves like a Panther, he moves like the whole jungle is in his bones. There is no other modern actor who could have pulled off this role and, if you don't believe me, I'll whip out some more nerd knowledge bombs (after I put away my hyperbole bombs) and take you all out with me.
As good as Momoa is, everyone else is not. Rose McGowan gives the worst performance of her career (since the last movie she was in) and the always-welcome Ron Perlman tries with what he's given, but ultimately succumbs to his overbearing wig and beard. I'm not sure that the actors are to blame, as the script is a guilty pleasure at best and gleefully retarded (I'm taking that word back) at worst.
Yeah, the best action is in the first 15 minutes and the last half an hour has the most boring set pieces ever (seriously, they're running through a slowly crumbling temple forever) but I was entertained and felt like not punching anyone when it was over, so I can call that a mild success in the under stuffed arena of movies about barbarians. It's not a cinematic travesty of Pearl Harbor proportions (the movie, not December 7, 1941), but it's also pretty bad in a pulpy kind of way. Ignore the hyperbole and you might actually have some fun.
Conan the Barbarian
Starring Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rachel Nichols, Ron Perlman and Rose (what's my face doing?) McGowan.
Directed by Marcus Nispel