Here's an idea: How about we rename Thanksgiving? Maybe something like, "Passive-Aggressive Relative Day." THINK ABOUT IT. When a relative asks you at Thanksgiving to name something you're thankful for, it's unacceptable to tell the truth and say, "A sweet taste of BOO-TAAAAAY, BAY-BAY! BOOM-BOOM, SHACKALACKA, BOOM-BOOM!" What they're really asking for is a compliment—something along the lines of, "I'm thankful for Grandma who says she's okay with me never calling, writing, or visiting, even though she's not really okay with it, and drops constant reminders that she'll probably be dead within three-to-five months at which point I'll feel very sorry I ignored her all these years, because she just may decide to haunt me and peep at my unseemly masturbation habits."
My grandma's a jerk—if you haven't figured that out.
The problem is that it's hard to be thankful for my family, because they are DEATHLY UNINTERESTING. They don't like excessive amounts of booze, rambunctious public sex, or stealing prescription medications from Grandma's medicine cabinet. (By the way, Grammy—someone switched your Vicodin with stool softeners! Keep a better eye on it, or I'll have to take my prescription stealing business elsewhere... and then I'll NEVER come to visit!)
But hey! I'm a good person—and good persons like me are recognized as good persons because they are willing to meet bad persons halfway. So even though I'll probably end up being bored to tears, sitting in a stuffy, moldering, tiny rent-controlled apartment crammed with teetering piles of ancient newspapers and crystal bowls of half-melted Werther's candies that fused together sometime in the late 1970s—I will visit my Grandma this coming Thanksgiving weekend. IF! (And this is a big "if"!) IF Grandma agrees to the following conditions: 1) No guilt trips about how I spend her borrowed money on horse tranquilizers. 2) No "clicking" her dentures. GROSS!!! And 3) We get to watch Liz & Dick on the Lifetime Network (Sunday, Nov. 25, 9 p.m.).
Grandma, this is a movie we both can love! You'll love it because it deals with "old, historical" things—like Elizabeth Taylor and her insane, passionate, drink-throwing marriage to Richard Burton. It documents the sexual fireworks between these two actors who left their respective spouses to marry each other, and then fought, drank, made sex, divorced, remarried, and fought and drank and made sex again! (Kind of like your relationship with Gramps—without the making sex part... because BLECHHH, right?)
Meanwhile, I'm going to love Liz & Dick, because it stars Hollywood trouble-maker Lindsay Lohan as the late Elizabeth Taylor—who's probably haunting every single person involved in this travesty of a TV movie. GUYS. This is going to be sooooo terrible—and it's going to be terrible in a way you're gonna love. Besides the fact that Lindsay is insanely under prepared to take on this role, it's on LIFETIME. The same network that brought you Tori Spelling's Mother May I Sleep with Danger, and My Stepson, My Lover! In other words, this could very well be THE GREATEST MOVIE EVARRRRR!!
So I'll see ya on Sunday, Grandma! And don't forget to visit the pharmacy this week—your medicine cabinet is looking purrrrretty sparse.
Twitter me that! @WmSteveHumphrey