If you're anything like me, you no longer have time in your busy life for any donkey plop. That's why I'm willing to share what is perhaps the most revolutionary timesaving device humanity has ever created. It's called... "Wikipedia."
NOW BEFORE YOU GROAN AND ACCUSE ME OF BEING OLDER THAN MATLOCK, LISTEN UP, HALF-WIT. I fully realize Wikipedia has been around for years, and is used a billion times every day by everybody. But no one has ever realized the full potential of Wikipedia... until now. Until... ME.
Consider the following scenario: Every nerd in America is reading The Hunger Games, right? I have two responses to this: 1) That's a children's book - what is wrong with you people? And 2) I'm an adult; ergo I don't read children's books. HOWEVER! I do like to have sex with adults who read children's books - or any adult for that matter. That's why I feign reading baby books like The Hunger Games. How? I WIKI THAT POOP! So even though I haven't read a single page of it, I learned enough from Wikipedia to trick some gullible nerd into the sack - AND saved precious hours in the process!
Example two: The TV series Justified. I had exactly zero interest in this series when it first started, and therefore skipped the first two seasons. BUT THEN! A couple of my non-dumb friends insisted it was great, so I hopped into the third season, and sure enough... I LOVE IT. However! Do I love it enough to go back and watch the previous two seasons? HELL TO THE UNH-UNH. Takes too much time, man. Time that could be used to bone four-eyed YA nerds. So what do I do? I WIKI THAT POOP. And now? Not only do I know exactly what happened in the first two seasons, I saved enough time to create a Hunger Games fan site (celebrating a book I've never read) which has upped my YA boneage stats a whopping 37 percent!!
This is exactly why I encourage you to go ahead and watch the fifth season premiere of AMC's Mad Men, this coming Sunday (March 25) at 9 pm - even if you've never seen a single episode! Just take 15 minutes and WIKI THAT POOP. You'll learn everything you ever wanted to know about Don Draper, his frosty ex-wife Betty, his lispy kid Sally, his business partner Roger, his nerdy assistant (and probable YA lover) Peggy, and boobalicious office manager Joan. In fact, other than seeing Joan's magnificent breasts - which you can also Wiki, by the way - YOU WILL NOT HAVE MISSED A THING. Oh! Except for maybe the amazing scene in season three, episode six where an annoying Limey gets his foot run over by a lawn mower. (Wiki "foot amputation.")
Now I know what you're thinking: "Oh you poor misguided Humpy! Don't you realize that by using Wikipedia as a substitute for reading books or watching TV, you're not actually experiencing these art forms? Wikipedia synopses aren't the same as taking the journey!" Huh? What's that? Sorry, I'm currently boning a hot YA geek. Tell you what: You keep talking, and I'll Wiki this conversation later.
Wiki me on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey