Have you ever wished for a fictional natural disaster so deadly, so dangerous, so filled with sharp, toothy goodness that it strikes fear in the hearts of Galeophobes? Look no farther than Sharknado, a Syfy made-for-TV movie about a man, his estranged family, and a whole ocean full of bloodthirsty airborne sharks.
While in the real world, a deadly shark encounter is less likely than being struck by lightning, that's not the case in the fictional world where ocean tornados can lift thousand-pound fish out of the water and deliver them to the streets of Los Angeles. Bro-tastic bar owner and surfer Fin (Ian Ziering, yes, "Beverly Hills 90210" Ian Ziering) is ambushed by the swirling vortex sardined with all fashion of rabid, chomp-happy, sharks—hammerhead, Great White, short fin, tiger—flying through the air without abandon on a mission to destroy the flooded city. Fin and family—including estranged ex-wife Tara Reid, who resembles a droning, sloppy-drunk version of Helen Hunt in Twister—are the only people in LA who seem to care at all about the shark-storm, aside from random citizens unexpectedly loosing limbs to the free-falling beasts.
So why am I talking about this 2013 cult flick? Well, aside from the fact that it has a shocking 82 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, on par with The Fault in Our Stars and the '80s classic, What About Bob, this week "Mystery Science Theater 3000" veterans Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett will commentate the bloody flick in a RiffTrax event across the country in over 600 theaters, including the Regal Old Mill.
Just when you thought you were safe on dry land (or SPOILER underground in the subway), the Syfy Channel will release Sharknado II: The Second One—featuring even more celebrities you thought might be dead, including Mark McGrath of '90s bleach-tipped pop group Sugar Ray, Judah Friedlander, Kelly Osbourne, Andy Dick and Billy Ray Cyrus—on July 30. The series' production company, The Asylum, the inventors of the "mockbuster" genre that brought the world cinematic, direct-to-TV gold with Volcano vs. Airplane, Carmilla, the Lesbian Vampire, and Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, already have Sharknado III in the works.
But back to the original: Sharknado lingers in the so-bad-it's-good domain with shining moments of crap-movie brilliance. Like when a shark smashes through the front window of our hero's bar and a bikini-clad bartender skewers its flopping brain with a pool cue. Or when, SPOLIER ALERT, the rag-tag gang of shark haters realizes that the only way to stop the impending storm is to drop homemade bombs from a helicopter into the shark-twister (EXPLODING AIRBORNE SHARKS!). It's easy to pick holes in a plot about weather systems that enable sharks to fly, but with its polished turd acting and gore-tastic chainsaw finale, Sharknado is ultimately exactly what it sounds like—totally freaking awesome. Bring on Sharkicane, Sharkcano and Sharknami.
Thurs., July 10
Regal Old Mill, 680 SW Powerhouse Dr.