Dear superheroes of the world: Let's talk "fashion," shall we? Perhaps it hasn't been brought to your attention, but you look like a goddamn idiot. As I see it, you have only one job: BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF CRIMINALS. However, the uniform you've chosen to accomplish this task seems somewhat counterintuitive. For example, would a ballerina dress like a Chuck E. Cheese mascot? No. Would a construction worker wear ass-less chaps? Again, no - unless you're talking about my most recent New Year's party. So bearing this in mind, why do superheroes insist on dressing like a Jazzercize video from 1982?
"But... but... spandex allows me freedom of movement," you cry. Yes, while allowing criminals the freedom to assume they can beat the shit out of you. "But... but... the sight of rippling muscles is very intimidating," you counter. Perhaps they are - to those of us who aren't laughing hysterically, or trying to get you into the sack. (By the way, I totally want to sleep with you.)
So who has the most idiotic costumes? Here's a truncated list: 1) Hawkman! You wear a goddamn papier-mâché bird's head on your face! 2) Batman! Attaching a cape to a cowl is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. All I have to do is step on your cape, and NECK SNAP! Stephen Hawking is teaching you how to use your fancy new wheelchair. 3) The Flash! Thanks for putting those little metal wings on the side of your head. NECK SNAP! Now, roll on over and join your friends Stephen Hawking and Batman.
Who has the most awesomest costumes? Here's a truncated list: 1) Hulk! Ripped purple pants are appropriate for his line of work, AKA SMASHING THINGS!! 2) Green Lantern! True, there's a lot of spandex - but what do you expect from a guy who wears a ring? 3) Wonder Woman! A three-quarters nude costume means I'm too busy to commit crimes. (Too busy mstrb8ing.)
As for everyone else, you look like idiots - but whatever. JUST DON'T WEAR A CAPE. And not just because of potential NECK SNAP! If you're going to wear a cape, you might as well add an ascot and one of those stupid Sherlock Holmes hats. OH! And speaking of capes, the stupidest superhero in the world - yes, even stupider than Hawkman - is appearing in a new show this week, appropriately entitled The Cape (NBC, Sunday Jan 9, 9 pm).
It's the story of a cop who gets framed for a crime he didn't commit (SNORE!), and to prove his innocence, he joins up with some carnival folk (... what?), dons a cape, and because he has absolutely zero imagination, calls himself... THE CAPE! Then he runs around town (slower than normal of course, because of, you know... THE CAPE), and uses THE CAPE to disable villains by like... snapping it at them or something. Hey, don't laugh! In the past I've inflicted some serious welts on my shower-mates using only a rolled-up towel! (Waitasecond. Forget spandex! I could be the world's first towel-clad superhero! And when I whip it off, the criminals will take one look and... NECK SNAP!)
Beware the snap of... THE TOWEL!