Mad Men Yourself | Film Events | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Coverage for Central Oregon, by Central Oregonians.
100% Local. No Paywalls.

Every day, the Source publishes a mix of locally reported stories on our website, keeping you up to date on developments in news, food, music and the arts. We’re committed to covering this city where we live, this city that we love, and we hear regularly from readers who appreciate our ability to put breaking news in context.

The Source has been a free publication for its 22 years. It has been free as a print version and continued that way when we began to publish online, on social media and through our newsletters.

But, as most of our readers know, times are different for local journalism. Tech giants are hoovering up small businesses and small-business advertising—which has been the staple for locally owned media. Without these resources, journalism struggles to bring coverage of community news, arts and entertainment that social media cannot deliver.

Please consider becoming a supporter of locally owned journalism through our Source Insider program. Learn more about our program’s benefits by clicking through today.

Support Us Here

Screen » Film Events

Mad Men Yourself

by

comment

Guys! Clear your schedule for Sunday, October 17, at 10:00 p.m.! (No, that's not when I'm going to murder your spouse for $25,000! GEEZ! I already told you I wasn't going to do it! Stop with the nagging!) Why? Because you're going to drop whatever or whomever it is you're doing to watch the Mad Men season four finale! Yes, there are other things on this week - such as the extremely intriguing season premiere of Discovery's Dirty Jobs entitled "Exotic Nanny" (Tues, 9 pm), and the debut of Animal Planet's Freak Encounters (Tues, 10:30 pm), which probably has something to do with animals, but sounds like what I experience every time I go into a Taco Bell at 3:00 a.m. Anyway, don't watch those things! I want your entire focus to be on Mad Men this week! I want you to eat Mad Men! Drink Mad Men! Sleep Mad Men! And... what else? Oh! Defecate Mad Men!


If you're a man, I expect you to spend your week molding your life to match that of Don Draper. First, take off those ridiculous hoodies/tight white pants/Kanye West shutter shades. You look like a goddamn idiot. Go to Men's Wearhouse and pick out a slim Brooks Brothers black suit and a skinny tie. Shave off that stupid hippie beard, cut your idiot hair, and slick it back with some motor oil. Now buy a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes and a case of gin, and take them straight to your office.

After inhaling a smoke, guzzling three highballs, and falling asleep for half an hour on the company couch, you may receive a visit from someone in HR. SEDUCE HER: preferably with a hilariously arousing line like "Does anybody mind if I take off my pants?" Initially, she may rebuff your advances by mentioning some futuristic words like "sexual harassment." However, this is just code for "I can't make love to you right now. Please pork me on the copier (sorry, mimeograph machine) after work."

Now, let's imagine for a moment you're a lady person. You should spend the entire week molding yourself into Joan Holloway. First, gain 20 pounds: 10 up top, 10 down below. In order to obtain that classic Mad Men hourglass shape, you may need to remove some internal organs. (I'd suggest the totally unnecessary spleen and kidneys.) Purchase an uncomfortably tight dress, some panty hose, and... whaddaya mean "What are panty hose?" Who do I look like? Wikipedia Brown? Google that shit.

Where was I? OH YEAH! Buy a carton of Lucky Strikes and a case of gin, and take them straight to your desk - IN THE SECRETARIAL POOL. A "secretarial pool" is where women begin and end their careers, while often experiencing intense neck pain from the glass ceiling pressing down on their heads. Boo. But hey, you get to wear panty hose! YAY! And be sexually harassed. Boo. And find a husband! YAY! And eventually be cheated on by a drunken, philandering husband (not unlike Don Draper, except uglier) who will sooner or later leave you with his ill-mannered offspring while he goes off cavorting with a younger, prettier member of the aforementioned secretarial pool. Boo.

Did I mention panty hose?

Pass the pantyhose.
steve@portlandmercury.com

About The Author

Speaking of I Luv TV

Add a comment

More by Source Weekly

Latest in Film Events