ANYWAY! My point is there's a new show debuting this week on the History Channel entitled Stan Lee's Superhumans (Thurs Aug 5, 10 pm). Now, Stan Lee's the guy who invented Spider-Man, X-Men, and other characters for Marvel comics, right? But the "superhumans" in this show aren't a bunch of nerds from the San Diego Comic-Con running around in tights, stabbing each other in the eye because someone stole their seat at the "Joss Whedon French-Kissing Nathan Fillion" panel. These guys are regular dudes - except with a genetic anomaly that gives them special powers. So, in short, real life mutants. (EWWWWW! I KNOW, RIGHT?)
Anyway, I'm keeping an open mind about this, because the powers these regular joes have are pretty cool. For example, Lee introduces us to a guy whose body is "powerfully magnetic" - just like his character Magneto! And there's another who can "withstand deadly levels of cold" - just like Iceman! And another "whose brain performs complex calculations at staggering speeds." Like... like... Einstein Man!
They'll also be performing experiments to try and determine why these people are such weirdo freaks - and maybe imprison them afterward? I hope so. Because there's no way I'm gonna agree to be enslaved by a guy covered by paper clips. What I really hope is that this show will teach me how to mutate my own genes. Agreed, I'm pretty awesome as is. However, if I'm going to eventually enslave you, you'd probably appreciate a master you could respect, right? That's why I'm going to start by sticking my penis in the microwave and genetically mutating a couple extra inches on it. That way, even if I don't end up ruling the world? At least the amazon chicks and Taylor Lautner will be psyched to have me around! (Wow. I am so much smarter than Einstein Man!)
Einstein Man: Worst... superhero... ever. firstname.lastname@example.org