Crap. Where was I? Oh, yeah! "Taking a wife." See, the reason Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me 1, 2, and 3 aren't around anymore isn't because of their looks - they were all unanimously hot, and firecrackers in the sack. The problem always seemed to arise in the "expectations" department. For example, these wives always "expected" me to keep my horny paws off the groupies, grocery store cashiers, church organists, beachgoers, local TV anchors, and the occasional overly endowed male stripper. In turn, I "expected" them to remain happily married - which in retrospect, I suppose, was asking a lot.
HOWEVER! Things are gonna be different with the future Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me 4 through 8 - becausssssse... wait for it... I'M GONNA MARRY A MOB WIFE!
I got the idea after watching a preview for the new VH1 reality series debuting this week called Mob Wives (Sun April 17, 8 pm). It revolves around four women with "alleged" mafia ties whose husbands or fathers are currently rotting away in the joint. Since "family loyalty" is everything to these gals, the crap resoundingly hits the fan when Karen Gravano - daughter of famous mafia rat/informant Sammy "the Bull" Gravano - returns to town. Will Karen be welcomed back into the fold or will she find herself swimming in a pair of cement Uggs?
As you can plainly see, these gals are perfect marriage material for Humpy-Doodle-Doo. Cast member Renee Graziano, for example, is the daughter of Anthony Graziano (an alleged high-ranking member of La Cosa Nostra), and since she supposedly grew up in the mob, her expectations of me should be verrrrrry low indeed. After all, I may get freaky nasty with the mailman - but I wouldn't behead him with a shovel and bury him in a shallow grave somewhere off the Jersey Turnpike.
The downside? If Skeletor had an Italian sister, she'd look an awful lot like Renee. Also, people involved with the mafia tend to have... ohhh... kind of a temper. Let's take that last "Skeletor" joke, for example. If I'd said that within earshot of Renee or any of the mob wives? You can be pretty sure I'd get a ride to the butcher shop in the trunk of her cousin Pasquale's car. Wait... they read my column in New York? (Sigh) I'll take that witness protection program now, please.
Wanted: one "moll." email@example.com
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