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Bush v. Gore v. Ahmadinejad
Phones down, Internet cut, BBC's Persia TV jammed; five miles of silent protestors on Monday, followed by shots from supporters and at least seven dead; someone must have drawn a picture of Mohammed - Or stole an election. Tens of thousands had come out on Sunday to support the incumbent president of Iran, Hahmoud Ahmadinejad, who claimed 62% of the vote, even though the counting of some 40 million ballots was officially ended early. According to reports, Ahmadinejad was declared the victor after only five million ballots were officially tallied, ending reformist Mir Hossein Moussavi's bid to unseat Satan. Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (the real President of Islamic Iran) has relented and ordered an investigation into whispers of fraud, which will result in subjugation of women, Moussavi's purely accidental death, and more calls for death to Israel.
Meanwhile, in Israel
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu conceded that a two-state solution between Israelis and Palestinians is possible, with several conditions. That's all we will (can) say about Israel. Thanks for understanding.
The National Park Service is giving us a "recession reprieve" by not charging attendance fees at its 100+ parks. Disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is doing standup comedy - We aren't joking. New home construction jumped 17% in May, with the West leading the nation at 28% - These numbers are still 45% lower than last year, when only two houses and three sheds were built in America. Over 12% of Oregonians are unemployed; hopefully not that cutie at Thump, or that douche that owes me twenty.
$1 Trillion for Enemas and Implants
$20,000 per uninsured American over ten years ain't bad. 51,000,000 of US need health coverage NOW! And Obama is willing to pay for stomach pumping and hidden hamsters. And cancer treatment, AIDS AZTs, birth control, burst appendix, tonsillectomies, anal issues and other medicinal needs. Republicans are calling it Socialism, while citing a mandatory coverage program like auto insurance (think Geico, but with more advertising) as an alternative. Obama responded by promising that the government health care plan will be like the DMV, but slower.
Our Athletes, Role Models, Murderers & Idiots
- sorry fellas.
Tidbits To Make You Feel Special
"I think she's infinitely-qualified to be the nominee and we will see during the confirmation process how well she's qualified to actually receive the vote of the Senate," said Anita Hill about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor; Hill almost derailed Clarence Thomas's nomination by testifying that the Justice sexually harassed her and placed a pubic hair on her can of Coke - Thomas was a Republican nominee, so Hill's accusations were taken as compliments. Former VP flunkee Sarah Palin delighted in David Letterman making fun of her, using the uproar to spread her ignorance, inept solutions, and proving why Alaska should be given back to Russia, its current Governor included. Hearings into Portland Mayor Sam Adams' relationship with a teenage boy with the surname Breedlove have begun - Seriously, if a 40 year-old man was courting your teen daughter, there would be no hearings, only a single shot. And, finally, North Korea is planning to weaponize its nuclear fuel; nothing new there, just more noise from our "Dear Leader," who is very lonely and needs a friend.
WTF is up with Bend continuing to make national news only for super weird events? The latest installment of Bend weirdism was a spot on NBC news (yeah, the one with that sexy, sexy Brian Williams) about how vicious the weather has been in certain spots of the US this June. And there we were smack dab in the middle of this segment - a shot of the Greenwood underpass full of water and hail with a car in up to the side mirrors in water. That doesn't exactly bode well for our collective intelligence (you didn't see all that water as you were driving toward it or what?) but it does let people in on the wackiness of our weather. And depending on where you were last Tuesday, that storm was pretty damn wacky. We were out making snow angels and looking for our sleds, our brains automatically thrown back to February at the sight of white-lined streets. It's supposed to be summer, right? We'll keep an eye out for the locusts and frogs...those should be on their way.