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Screen » Film Events

My Multiple Wives

There is a case to be made for and against polygamy. THE CASE FOR: (1) Sex. Duh. And lots of it. Say you decided to have 24 wives instead of one: Now, I’m no “arithmetician,” but if I’m not mistaken, 24 wives = 24 times the sex.

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There is a case to be made for and against polygamy. THE CASE FOR: (1) Sex. Duh. And lots of it. Say you decided to have 24 wives instead of one: Now, I'm no "arithmetician," but if I'm not mistaken, 24 wives = 24 times the sex. Unless your wives are like my ex, Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1 - then it's more like -17 times the sex.


(2) It's easy to keep multiple wives confused. Example: If you've currently got one wife, it's hard to trick her into thinking you're always doing the dishes - especially when you never do them. However, with 24 wives, you can always say, "Oh, don't you remember? I did the dishes after #14 did them. Not it!"

(3) There are no other good reasons to have a bunch of wives.

THE CASE AGAINST: (1) Nagging. Duh. And lots of it. Say you decided to have 37 wives instead of one: Now, I'm no "mathologist," but if I'm not mistaken, 37 wives = 37 times the nagging. Unless your wives are like my ex, Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1 - then it's more like fifty-eight-hundred-kabillion times the nagging.

(2) Ganging up! Shocking as this may sound, sometimes I get super-drunk and come home super-late and try to make a bologna sandwich and end up dropping a lot of pots and pans on the ground and dancing on the furniture while blasting some sweet tuneage like Judas Priest ("BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!"). Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1 didn't like that (neither did #2 or #3, come to think of it). But she couldn't do a whole lot about it, since Judas Priest was drowning out her nagging. ("BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!") HOWEVER! If you have 37 wives ganging up on you in one huge gang-nag? That can cause some serious buzz damage.

(3) Apparently, polygamy is against the law. ("BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!")

Obviously, you need to know more about this subject, which is why you should be watching Sister Wives on TLC (Sun, 10 pm). This reality show is all about "the polygamy" and features a Utah dude named Kody who has three - going on four! - wives. Like HBO's Big Love, I think the intention is to show how nontraditional relationships are just as valid as the ones I have - which aren't very traditional when you factor in the drugs, electrodes, and sodomy.

For me, the weirdest thing about this show is how "HAPPY!!!" and "NORMAL!!!" these people always claim to be. Not to pooh-pooh matrimony, but my first three marriages were about 20 percent "happy normal" and 80 percent "I wonder if that rafter above my head will support my weight when I hang myself." Multiply that feeling times four, and... well, I rest my case.

But like I said, whether or not they're BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!, I think if this guy wants to have four or even 40 wives, it's no skin off my patoot. Love makes you do nutty things - just ask Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1 to #3 - but remember: Love don't do the dishes (and neither do I).

Take my wives - please.steve@portlandmercury.com

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