Remember when the point of Halloween was to dress up as something scary? People don't do that anymore, opting more for a humorous and/or slutty approach to their costuming. But you can dress as the ultimate boogeyman this year by gearing up as one of these "one percenters" we keep hearing about. You'll need a top hat, a tuxedo (or evening gown for the women) and a monocle. It would be good to have a few hundred-dollar bills (fake cash is fine, if you must) poking out of your pockets and a nametag that says, "We are the one percent." A cigar or one of those fancy long cigarette things would also be a nice touch. If you want to get really in-your-face, accessorize with a pig nose. Just hope you don't run into an actual one percenter during your evening out. (Chances of that happening are, statistically speaking, one in one hundred).
A couple weeks ago, our television columnist, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, posted on the Bent blog about a company that was selling masks of Breaking Bad drug lord Gustavo Fring that feature half of the dude's face blown off. If you can secure one of these masks, you'll quickly meet all the people at the party who enjoy this amazing television show. For those who don't get it, just say you're the Terminator. So, it's kind of two costumes in one.
Sadly, Lindsay Lohan is still in the news because a) she keeps forgetting to stay out of jail and b) she just decided to pose in Playboy for more money than she's made in the last four years of her acting/drinking/courtroom career. And remember, this is not the Mean Girls, hot redhead Lohan, but rather the terrifying 2011 star of probation hearings. This one is simple, ladies. First, a blonde wig. Or if you're blonde, just wear it straight and with split ends, if possible. Secondly, a traditional jail outfit, you know, the ones with black and white stripes. For props, any assortment of drug or booze paraphernalia will work. I would suggest against opting for the Playboy route. It will probably be too cold for that.
This one is super easy for the white dudes out there. Just wear a very plain suit, part your hair on the side and cement it to your head with gel and/or hairspray. Walk around with a stiffly confused look on your face and you've got it made. You could be Rick Perry or Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum or John Hunstman! It doesn't matter. Hell, you can even switch it up halfway through the night if you'd like. And, depending on your girth and grayness, you might be able to pass for ol' Newt Gingrich. Oh, almost forgot to mention the American flag lapel pin. You'll need one of those.