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Opinion » Letters to the Editor

Notes From a Backroom Deal (pt. 2)

Editor's note: Last week we ran Pt. 1 of this great Old Timey letter. We are proud to bring you the exciting conclusion of this



Editor's note: Last week we ran Pt. 1 of this great Old Timey letter. We are proud to bring you the exciting conclusion of this rare serialized series.

[ring, ring...]


"Speckman? This is Benny Facter, I'm calling on behalf of O.W.E.D. Me and the boys have been talking, and while we appreciate what you did at the meeting last night, we've got a new plan. Now I know we originally wanted y'all to force an election for us, but it turns out this economy has hit some of my friends pretty hard. Jack Pott has spent a lot of dough getting his land into the UGB, and Owen Monie has a 70 home subdivision just sitting there vacant. So we all met out at Pronghorn this morning and Phil Mabank suggested we forget about this damn election and focus our energy on flipping one of the 3 holdouts on the council."

"Flipping one of the holdouts, sir? I'm not sure there's time for that. We only have until midnight tonight to make an appointment, or else we'll be forced to have an election. And besides that, I pretty much lost all credibility with those three councilors when O.W.E.D. made me suggest that we put three names in a hat - two of our candidates and only one of theirs."

"Now you listen to me, Speckman! Not only did we put you on that council, we made you mayor! Now either you, Meager and Spleene make this happen or you'll be getting an uncomfortable visit from Neil Downe and Ben Dover, and we both know nobody wants that!"

"No, no, that won't be necessary, sir; definitely not. But because the other three councilors are now so opposed to O.W.E.D.'s candidate, I think our chances of flipping someone would be better if we propose some random person who is completely off their radar; someone who didn't even apply for the position."

"Well, that's fine with us, as long as you pick someone we can count on to consistently vote with the 3 of you - someone who has been around a long time and is a friend of the builders and developers!"

"I've got such a candidate, sir! He'd be perfect. We were on the council together back in the good old days and he and I were like peas in a pod! You remember Owen Favors? I bet I could talk him into it and we could call an emergency meeting tonight and vote him on!"

"Yes, I agree. Owen Favors would be perfect! He'd round out our block of pro-building, pro-development councilors quite nicely... except you still have the problem of flipping one of those pesky smart-growth, pro-environment councilors."

"Just leave that to me, sir. I'll get Meager and Spleene to help me pressure their weak link - Noah Spine - and we'll have this done before tee time tomorrow! I'll just tell Noah if he flips he'll be seen as the hero who saved the city (and O.W.E.D., of course) the cost of an election. Noah Spine will go for it, I guarantee!"

And he did. And with a solid pro-development block on the city council, O.W.E.D. was paid, and lived happily ever after.

Dean Warner, Bend, OR

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