MONDAY, APRIL 15
Welcome to "America, You So CRAZY!" week—a remembrance of perhaps the worst week that Chris Brown had nothing to do with (at least at this point). TODAY: America reeled in horror when twin explosions at the Boston Marathon injured 170 people and killed three—including 8-year-old Martin Richard. According to authorities, the bombs consisted of ordinary pressure cookers packed with gunpowder, nails, and small ball bearings, and left near the finish line where they were detonated with timers. Following the explosions, panic ensued—so of course, leave it to certain members of the national media to make a terrible situation even worse. CNN—who's been on a "we really suck" roll lately—inaccurately reported that a suspect had already been arrested, while the New York Post did them one better by reporting that 12 people were killed in the attack (rather than three), and that a 20-year-old "Saudi national" was "under guard" by police at a Boston hospital—though it was later learned this man was actually a victim and possible witness who was assisting the police. As the actual manhunt for the suspects continues, we're sending our condolences to the victims of this tragic, senseless attack, and the following message to CNN and the New York Post: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. MEANWHILE... Last night at the MTV Movie Awards, hilarious person Will Ferrell was accepting the Comedic Genius Award, when clearly drunken Park & Recreation star Aubrey Plaza hopped up on stage and tried to rip it out of his hands. After a terribly awkward moment, a shamed Aubrey returned to her seat, and was later thrown out of the shindig by the show's producers. As we can see, "terrorism" comes in many forms.
TUESDAY, APRIL 16
Boston native Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg commented on yesterday's Boston Marathon bombing saying, "If we can't protect our innocent women and children, then we have a serious problem." Mark, please join CNN and the New York Post in SHUTTING THE FUCK UP. MEANWHILE... Crazy person Kanye West has apparently grown sick of pregnant seahag Kim Kardashian and fled the country for France! YESSSSSSSS. According to RadarOnline, Kim was forced to admit—during divorce proceedings with estranged hubby/lunkhead Kris Humphries—that "she has spent more time away from Kanye than with him." Apparently Kanye has been on a solo jaunt to Paris since February (!!!), and according to sources, he doesn't much feel like coming back. Meanwhile Kim has stated she has no intention of leaving her idiot family and loathsome TV empire to move to France—which is both bad news (because we'd never have to see her ugly face again) and good news (it'd be the worst thing to happen to France since Hitler... and body odor).
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17
"America—you so CRAZY!" week continues! Today 45-year-old Paul Kevin Curtis was arrested for sending letters to President Obama and Sen. Roger Wicker that allegedly contained the deadly poison ricin—and oh, did we forget to mention that Curtis is an Elvis impersonator? Curtis' family issued a statement saying that the accused has been diagnosed as bipolar, and had recently stopped taking his medication. And to make this bizarre story even more bizarre, Sen. Wicker told reporters that he'd once hired Curtis to perform as Elvis Presley at a party. "I have indeed met him," Wicker said. "He was very entertaining... [though] he was more stable then." Resolved: If one can't trust an Elvis impersonator, there is no one left to trust.
THURSDAY, APRIL 18
And the hits just keep on coming. While federal investigators continue to scour the country for the Boston Marathon bombers, another massive explosion took place—this time at a fertilizer plant in Texas. Though the cause of the explosion remains unknown, the blast killed 14 people, injured 160 others, and was so powerful it registered as a 2.1-magnitude tremor on local seismographs. MEANWHILE... According to TMZ, pregnancy hormones are causing facial hair to sprout on Kim Kardashian's face. (Another good reason for her to move to France. She'd fit right in.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 19
Today Boston went on lockdown after an early-morning shootout with the two bombing suspects: 19-year-old Dzhokar Tsarnaev and his 26-year-old brother, Tamerlan Tsarnaev. Beginning around 1 am, after allegedly stealing an SUV, the brothers traded shots with police in Watertown, lobbing homemade grenades and a pressure cooker bomb at officers. Watertown Police Chief Ed Deveau estimated between 200 and 300 shots were fired, adding that after Tamerlan ran out of bullets, police tackled him and Dzhokar escaped in the SUV—in the process, running over his brother. With Dzhokar at large, public transit was shut down and residents were instructed to "shelter in place." Then Watertown resident David Henneburry wandered into his yard and found a bloodied Dzhokar hiding in his boat. After tense negotiations—and another flurry of shots—Dzhokar was taken into custody, and the entirety of Boston let out a huge sigh of relief. (Well, except Henneburry—who, his neighbor claimed, after seeing his $30,000 boat riddled with bullets, mourned, "My poor boat, my poor boat.") Jesus. What a day.
SATURDAY, APRIL 20
Let's get the rest of this week's terrible news out of the way! IN CATASTROPHE: An earthquake in China's Sichuan province killed at least 189 people. IN TORTURE: Over 50 of Guantanamo Bay's 166 detainees are now engaged in a hunger strike. "There is no end in sight to our imprisonment," said Yemeni detainee Samir Naji al Hasan Moqbel. IN HOMOPHOBIA... Noted bigots Boy Scouts of America have proposed "lifting a ban on gay scouts while maintaining a prohibition on gay adults from leading troops," according to Reuters. Apparently it's okay to discriminate against some gays. IN NATIONAL SECURITY... Both the Russians and the FBI had suspected Tamerlan Tsarnaev of terrorist leanings in 2011, with the FBI even going so far as to interview him—before deciding they didn't have enough evidence. SPEAKING OF NATIONAL SECURITY... So, the gunpowder used in those pressure cooker bombs? Untraceable! Hmm. We wonder why. "Thanks to lobbying efforts by the NRA and large gun manufacturing groups," MSNBC reports, "explosives manufacturers are required to place tracing elements known as 'identification taggants' only in plastic explosives but not in gunpowder." (Fun fact! In 1980, a congressional study found that "Identification taggants would facilitate the investigation of almost all significant criminal bombings in which commercial explosives were used.") SPEAKING OF THE NRA... On Wednesday, despite the fact the vast majority of Americans support expanded background checks for those purchasing guns, 45 senators voted against such measures, shutting down debate on the matter. "Our democracy's history is littered with names we neither remember nor celebrate—people who stood in the way of progress while protecting the powerful," former Representative Gabrielle Giffords wrote in the New York Times. "On Wednesday, a number of senators voted to join that list." (Fun fact! "All but three of the 45 senators who torpedoed gun control measures in Congress on Wednesday have received money from firearms lobbyists," reports the Guardian.) UGH. THIS WEEK IS THE WORST.
SUNDAY, APRIL 21
Oof. How can we possibly end this week on a note that isn't horrifically depressing? Oh! We know! Reese Witherspoon and husband James Toth were arrested this weekend for drunk driving—and while drunk stars are hardly newsworthy, Reese's response to getting pulled over totally is. "Mrs. Witherspoon began to hang out the window and say that she did not believe that I was a real police officer," reported the officer who pulled them over. "I told Mrs. Witherspoon to sit on her butt and be quiet." Naturally, this prompted Reese to get out of the car, telling the officer "she was a 'US citizen' and that she was allowed to 'stand on American ground.'" And then... oh, Reese. Don't do what you're about to do. "Mrs. Witherspoon then asked 'Do you know my name?'" the officer remembered. "I answered, 'No, I don't need to know your name.' Mrs. Witherspoon stated, 'You're about to find out who I am.' Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, 'You are going to be on national news.' I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.'" (At least she didn't try to cut him with her chin.)