MONDAY, APRIL 29
Is the most terrible relationship in the universe (that of Rihanna and her emotional/physical abuser Chris Brown) on the skids? HA! We should be so lucky. However, there have been some interesting indicators this week, starting with...1! Rihanna makes smoochy faces with random boy on Instagram. Chris responds by unfollowing RiRi on Twatter, which in his defense is a big step up from nearly beating her to death with his fists. 2! After deciding to RE-follow ex gal pal Karrueche Tran on Twatter (oooh, be careful, gurl), Chris releases a new track titled "I Can't Win," which is clearly about Rihanna who gives him a saddy-boo-boo face. And 3! Chris' dad Clinton Brown tells the New York Daily News that he does NOT approve of his son dating Rihanna, which actually means nothing since he stopped raising Chris when the boy was just six. (So shut up, Chris Brown's dad! No one cares what you think!) However, there is one glaring clue that could blow these rumors of a split out of the water: According to The Sun, RiRi just spent a whopping $1.8 million on a fancy and super rare Mercedes-Benz SLR Stirling Moss, which the singer plans on giving to Chris (who clearly doesn't deserve it) for his birthday. EEEEK! We hope it comes with options such as "driver's side ejection seat," and "built-in restraining orders."
TUESDAY, APRIL 30
The most believable rumor of the day? Beyonce's tour rider is INSANE. Here are just a few of the crazy things Queen Bee allegedly demanded for her dressing room, according to The Fix: 1) "$900 of titanium drinking straws used to drink a special alkaline water to be served at exactly 21 degrees." What? She doesn't need special ice cubes for tha... OH. 2) "A hand-carved ice ball to suck after every performance to cool her throat." Well, okay, but at least she's not asking for something super weird like... WAIT. 3) "There's a new toilet seat at every event. Will only use red toilet paper." Please do not tell us the toilet paper has to be made from the skin of Chinese babies! (Pause.) (Pause.) (Pause.) Okay, good. MEANWHILE... Speaking of cray-cray, historically cray-cray Amanda Bynes claims she's not cray-cray at all! "I have no clue [why people say I'm insane]," she told In Touch magazine. "Every time I've heard it, it came from an ugly person's mouth, so I don't care." FOR EXAMPLE! Tonight, after Amanda posted racy pictures of herself on Twatter—because that's why the format was invented—celebrity idiot/fluoride and vaccination hater Jenny McCarthy tweeted, "Police are at @AmandaBynes house. I hope they get her help. Enough of this circus. She needs help." To which Amanda twattered back, "you're ugly! Police weren't at my house old lady! Shut the fuck up! I need help? What are u talking about? Aren't u 50 years old? I'm 27, u look 80 compared to me!" We dunno, guys! Sane or not, Amanda hit that particular nail on the head.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 1
"I saw him arresting my husband, and I panicked. I said all kinds of crazy things. I said I was pregnant." That's sharp-chinned actress Reese Witherspoon apologizing on Good Morning America for sass-mouthing an Atlanta cop who was arresting her and hubby Jim Toth last week for drunk driving. But that's not all she said! When asked why she acted so rudely toward the officer, Reese responded, "I played a lawyer in a movie [Legally Blonde] so many times I think I am a lawyer." In a related story, Reese's enormous chin has requested a separate trial, and will act as its own defense...because, you know...Legally Blonde.
THURSDAY, MAY 2
More drama courtesy of Lindsay Lohan! Today was the day Linds was ordered by the court to start her appointed rehab stint at Seafield Center in New York...but what's this? Instead, she decided to check into California's Morningside Recovery clinic, and according to TMZ, neither she nor attorney Mark Heller remembered to tell the court. Whoopsy-daisy! Heller apologized to the court for the oversight, and the judge grudgingly agreed to the switch...but as it turns out? LINDSAY DIDN'T SHOW UP THERE EITHER. At the exact moment Heller was explaining that Lindsay was being treated at Morningside, she was actually spotted shopping at Fry's Electronics. Ohhhhhh, Lindsay. Every single day we thank God for you.
FRIDAY, MAY 3
Verifying our belief that he's the Greatest Person Who's Ever Lived (or at least comes in a close second after George Clooney), Robert Downey Jr. made a surprise appearance at a Manhattan movie theater today, where Iron Man 3 was screening for teenagers who helped to rebuild after Hurricane Sandy. "I know you're all here because you've been doing something special in the five boroughs," Downey Jr. told the kids. "You're the future of the nation. I guarantee if you keep doing the right thing, you're going to be running the joint in a minute." Robert Downey Jr.: Reminding us every single day (or at least whenever he's doing publicity for a new Iron Man movie) that life isn't always crappy and depressing. MEANWHILE...Lindsay Lohan's court-mandated plans to undergo rehab at Newport Beach's Morningside Recovery (if she ever gets there) have hit a snag—because Morningside Recovery reportedly isn't licensed to provide rehab. TMZ claims the California Department of Alcohol and Drug Problems (a department we suspect was set up exclusively for the benefit of one Ms. Lindsay Lohan) revoked Morningside's permit in 2011 after a patient died on the premises. So...Linds? Maybe find somewhere else to give rehab another go? Maybe Robert Downey Jr. can recommend a place?
SATURDAY, MAY 4
A-ha! Just as we foreshadowed/hoped, Chris Brown and Rihanna are DUNZO—and while we'd love to report the dimwitted Rihanna finally came to her senses and left that abusive jackass, turns out it was the jackass' decision. Because he's a jackass. "Imma do it solo," the jackass told an Australian radio show. "I mean, at the end of the day, shorty doing her own thing, she's on the road." (Translation: "Alas, Rihanna has her own life and career, and thus isn't as readily available for punching as I would like her to be.") IN OTHER JACKASS NEWS...Wee li'l Patrick Schwarzenegger, age 19, somehow got into the Sayers Club in Los Angeles this weekend—only to be kicked out, at which point TMZ notes he "went on the rampage, bitching about the DJ to anyone who would listen." Despite offering such keen observations as "Everyone wants to beat the fuck out of the DJ" (who he also might have called a "gay boy"?), Schwarzenegger Jr. wasn't allowed back in the club—nor did a nearby SUV give him a ride home, leading Patrick to "condescendingly wave his hand in the driver's face." Fun fact: If he's anything like his dad? In about 37 years? California residents will make this charming young cad into Governor Patrick Schwarzenegger.
SUNDAY, MAY 5
"We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse," Transformers auteur Michael Bay told The Daily Beast about the making of his latest film, Pain & Gain, starring Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and, apparently, $75,000 worth of sex toys. "I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they'd stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical," Bay continued. "We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but then they started disappearing. We were like, 'Who is taking all the sex toys?'" A few things to note, dears: (1) The least surprising thing about this story is that Michael Bay calls vaginas "vajayjays." (2) We have to admit, we're also curious about how that butt felt. (3) So no one is, you know, concerned about where those sex toys ended up? No one's looking for them or anything? Hmm. Now, we'll be the first to admit that we don't have a sex toy detective license. (The California Department of Alcohol and Drug Problems revoked it. Long story.) That said, sounds to us like Marky Mark's heist is working out exactly as he planned.