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One Day at a Time

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MONDAY 10

Today begins with two young adults—both of whom represent America in their own special way. Our first young adult is confessed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden who turned over thousands of classified documents to England's The Guardian, blowing the lid off the pervasive spying on U.S. citizens that our government claims protects us from terrorism. Why? Because as Snowden told the Guardian, Americans have the right to know what government abuses are being conducted in their name. Young adult number two: Justin Bieber, who was recently seen leaving Miley Cyrus' residence driving a leopard-print car (an Audi R8) and covering his face in apparent hopes we wouldn't recognize him?!? NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DRIVES A LEOPARD-PRINT CAR EXCEPT FOR JUSTIN BIEBER. Anyway, that is today's tale of two young adults: Who would you rather invite over for dinner? MEANWHILE...This weekend, while judging the skeptically titled Britain's Got Talent, Simon Cowell got pelted by eggs from the stage by a viola player as two contestants sang "The Impossible Dream." And while the viola player (a scorned contestant from last season) later semi-apologized for her "silly" actions, attacking Cowell with eggs during that particular song could not have been more aptly planned—unless she was throwing them at Justin Bieber. MEANWHILE...Following repeated jokes that instead of getting his eyes tucked, he gets his testicles "ironed out," dreamboaty George Clooney has inadvertently started the newest Hollyweird plastic surgery fad. According to MailOnline, a procedure called "Tighten the Tackle" has been added to the menu of services at Santa Monica's Beauty Park spa, in which for $575, lasers are used to "remove hair, erase wrinkles, and correct discoloration on the scrotum." Most importantly, it "provides overall tightening to the external skin." Umm...sorry...but the result sounds like two upside-down John Travolta faces. Can't they...you know...just snip 'em off? Blechh!

TUESDAY 11

It's time for our weekly Amanda Bynes update—which admittedly sounds a lot like last week's Amanda Bynes update. The prolific Ms. Bynes continues her Twatter machine rampage this week, using the word "ugly" with the same artistry van Gogh accomplished with the color yellow. For example, rapper Drake—who she once wished would "murder her vagina"—today twattered, "I only like @Drake because he's so ugly! Fine he is not, but he knows he's ugly!" Next she posted a picture of her father, writing, "Haha look at how ugly my dad's face is!" (Why didn't she wait until Father's Day?) She then went on to label gossip blogger Perez Hilton as "pigton" and (you guessed it) "ugly," before turning on singer Miley Cyrus, who, after posting her picture, quickly informed her that "Ur ugly." Miley responded by telling an interviewer for Hot 95.5 that she felt "sad" for Bynes, and had been "rooting for her comeback until she started attacking me." In Amanda's defense, Miley is extraordinarily ugly. Seriously, did science create a human/donkey hybrid and not tell anybody?

WEDNESDAY 12

In gossip that probably isn't true (but would serve everyone right if it were), rapper and formerly intelligent person Kanye West has been accused of cheating on much-uglier-than-Miley-Cyrus grotesque sub-human Kim Kardashian...while she was pregnant! (Dramatic sting!) Star magazine, who totally uses "facts" if they are easily available, interviewed Canadian 24-year-old model Leyla Ghobadi who claims she had sex with Kanye twice: once in July 2012 (just after he began dating Karkrashian) and again three months into Kim's pregnancy. However, Leyla claims she broke off the sexcapades