It's been a big week for gay rights, abortion fights, and racist, homophobic, and incredibly annoying celebs—so let's dive right in! As gleefully reported last week, celebrity racist (oh, and she cooks shitty Southern food, too) Paula Deen was FIRED for admitting to spouting racist epithets in the not-too-distant past. (Her excuse? She's old! And she's from the South! Not her fault!) This week, she's getting fired (or slowly phased out) from every job on the planet—including her gigs with QVC, Random House, Walmart, Caesar's Casinos, Target, as well as the very lucrative Smithfield Ham endorsement whose pig killing CEOs haughtily announced, "We are terminating our partnership with Paula Deen. Smithfield is determined to be an ethical food industry leader." In response a random pig said, "I'm thrilled that Smithfield is against racism—but would be more thrilled if you didn't slice my throat and hang my dead body from a hook stuck inside my anus." MEANWHILE...Paula Deen has become such a P.R. disaster, she's actually hired crisis manager Judy Smith—who, BTdubs, was the inspiration for Scandal's Olivia Pope (swoon)—to yank her diabetes-filled fat out of the fire. And she needs the help more than ever following her absolutely disastrous appearance on the Today show. After blowing off her first scheduled interview minutes before air, she finally sat down with Matt Lauer who grilled the chef over high flame for 14 minutes. The most fantastic part was when Paula eventually broke down and blubbered, "If there's anyone out there that have never said something they wish they could take back. If you're out there please pick up that stone and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me. I is what I is, and I'm not changing." Oh dear god—YES. (If only they had an Emmy award category for "Best Performance From a Racist Diabetic Hillbilly.")
Aaaaaand speaking of hillbillies, it was looking like the Texas senate had a lock on a vote to pass some of the strictest anti-abortion laws in the country—until Democratic Senator Wendy Davis came along. Originally a teen mom herself, Davis clawed her way from a trailer park to Harvard Law, and then a seat in the Texas senate. And tonight her 11-plus hour filibuster (in which she was unable to sit, lean on the desk, or go to the bathroom) caused the clock to run out on the special session, and gave woman-hating Texans a severe case of the frownies. While failed presidential candidate and Texas governor Rick Perry is calling for a new session (where the oppressive laws will probably pass), Davis has strongly hinted that she'll be running against him in 2014. Resolved: We're all moving to Texas and voting for Wendy Davis. MEANWHILE...Leaky-mouthed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is still stuck in the Moscow airport while Russian authorities decide what to do with him. However, both the U.S. and Russia have toned down their cold-war-style posturing to avoid escalation that...really...isn't worth the trouble. Or as President Vladimir Putin put it, "It's like shearing a piglet. There's a lot of squealing and very little wool." In response, a random pig said, "First Smithfield Hams and now the Russians? What is it with you people?"
In further amazing news, the Supreme Court handed down two major rulings today, thrilling the pants off of everyone truly interested in equality: Same-sex couples are now allowed federal benefits, and California's evil Proposition 8 has been effectively neutered, thereby giving the state's same-sex marriages a big thumbs up. Naturally the ruling came down to a squeaky tight 5-4 vote, leaving certain conservative judges extreeeeemely butt sore. Justice Anton Scalia was particularly peed-off, dismissing the ruling of the majority as "legalistic argle-bargle." While his dissent doesn't prove same-sex marriages destroy civilizations, there's a good chance it does cause certain homophobes to stroke out. "Argle bargle!!"
The nation's flags flew at half-mast today after it was announced that Justin Bieber was banned from the Las Vegas Indoor Skydiving facility—for life! According to an inside source talking to E! News, Justin and his large gaggle of bros promised to Instagram themselves having fun (in lieu of paying the $1600 admission), but instead faked loading the picture up on the image sharing site, and left without paying OR tipping the staff. Even worse, Bieber and posse were a "disrespectful bunch" who reportedly made a mess in the bathroom—with one member even throwing a paper towel on the floor right in front of a staff member! Hence, Justin Bieber has been issued a lifetime ban from Vegas Indoor Skydiving. Dear Supreme Court: When will you correct this travesty?!?
In a vain effort to show up Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Jessica Simpson and her fiancé Eric Johnson have named their new baby boy Ace Knute Johnson! Normally, "Ace Knute" would be a totes satisfactory stupid celebrity baby name. But now? Now, dears, we're living in a post-North West era. And in a post-North West era? "Ace Knute" is amateur hour, kids. Come up with something that makes you and your kid look a whole lot stupider or go home.
And for his latest Twatter tirade, the way-less-likeable-in-real-life Alec Baldwin decided to go after George Stark of the Daily Mail—who wrote a story claiming that Baldwin's wife was bored and tweeting during James Gandolfini's funeral. "I'm gonna find you, George Stark, you toxic little queen, and I'm gonna fuck you up," Baldwin tweeted. "I'd put my foot up your fucking ass...but I'm pretty sure you'd dig it too much." Later remembering that Twitter is, in fact, a public platform, Baldwin panicked. "My ill-advised attack on George Stark of the Daily Mail had absolutely nothing to do with issues of anyone's sexual orientation," he hastily lied to GLAAD—as if everyone hadn't just read several tweets that clearly had everything to do with George Stark of the Daily Mail's sexual orientation. Ugh. Keep it classy, Alec, you dumb jackass. IN FAT OLD PEOPLE NEWS...Pleasantly plump retirees Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have been ordered to "lose weight" before they shoot the next Star Wars, according to the Sun! "Mark and Carrie need to be as close to their appearance in the earlier movies as possible," says a source, who is also probably some sort of nerd, dork, or dweeb. "Producers are keen to help out and have offered support. The budget is huge so there will be no expense spared." While Harrison Ford didn't say anything—apparently he's as fit as a septuagenarian can be—Star Trek's William Shatner couldn't help but weigh in. "Me on the phone: 'Hello Godiva? Bill Shatner here...I want to send 10 pounds of chocolate a month to a dear friend named Carrie..." Shatner tweeted, later adding, "So calculating 220 calories per piece and 24 pieces per pound that's 52k+ calories" and "What? I only wanted to help her celebrate ... ;-)". Ugh. Keep it classy, Enterprise captain who's now bigger than the Enterprise.
Whoopsie! Jennifer Lopez just "accidentally" performed at a birthday party for Turkmenistan leader Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, whose authoritarian country does not have...um...oh, right! Human rights. JLo, who obliviously sang "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to Berdymukhamedov, was hired to perform by the not-sinister-at-all China National Petroleum Corporation, who're BFFs with Turkmenistan. "Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice and his circle of cronies, but her actions utterly destroy the carefully crafted message she has cultivated with her prior involvement with Amnesty International's programs in Mexico aimed at curbing violence against women," snapped Human Rights Foundation president Thor Halvorssen. Meanwhile, JLo claimed that, like most Americans, she's just blissfully ignorant. "Had there been knowledge of human right issues at hand, Jennifer would not have attended," insisted her handlers. Those same handlers, however, declined to say why Lopez spent her remaining time in Turkmenistan drowning orphans and burning kittens.