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One Good Oil Spill Deserves Another

One Good Oil Spill Deserves Another

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Order in the Court!

Baby rapers, oil spillers and gang-bangers be heartened! Gitmo be gone, but the new and utterly bought and sold Supreme Court handed down decisions that will impact us for decades - Much like the President Bush, who nominated its two new Justices, Chief Roberts and Count Weirdly Alito. Let's take a look at these precedents, led by quotes from the new members.

Court Weirdly
  • Court Weirdly
Court Weirdly

"I've also represented corporations accused of antitrust violations, and I think that balanced perspective is something that's valuable for a judge."

Chief Justice John Roberts stated this on January 29, 2003, before the Judiciary Committee, explaining how whistleblowers can be fired for cause. Roberts also defended Microsoft against States suing for antitrust as a private lawyer. So, when Exxon Mobil came before the Roberts-led Supreme Court, his sympathies were already known. "So what can a corporation do to protect itself against punitive-damages awards such as this?" asked Roberts during the initial arguments in February, seeming to defend Exxon Mobil for employing a known alcoholic captain for the Exxon Valdez in 1989, who crashed and spilled 11 million gallons of crude oil into Prince William Sound. How oh how can we help this poor corporation? Throw out the $2.5 billion in punitive damages (equaling one week of profits for Exxon Mobil) through some archaic maritime law that compensatory to punitive damages must be 1:1. Ahoy! This precedent will reverse medical malpractice, tobacco settlements and corporate malfeasance lawsuits for years; of course Exxon Mobil would have preferred a slap on wrist but, in a shocking moment of conscience, Justice Alito recused himself because he owns over $100,000 in Exxon Mobil stock.


"I voted to uphold the death penalty and in a number of them I voted to strike down the death penalty."

Steadfast Justice Samuel Alito said this during his confirmation hearings, and has now sided with the majority in striking down the "Millionaire's Amendment" to the McCain-Feingold campaign= finance law, ensured that child rapists can't be executed, then guaranteed that more guns flood our nation's capital. In an effort to "level the playing field," McCain-Feingold allowed candidates to raise campaign money in excess of limits when another wealthy candidate is spending his/her own money like a Saudi sheik on blow in Vegas. "Suck it!" said Alito and the other four Justices who sided with the rich.

If this wasn't enough - Mitt Romney and Mike Bloomberg counting their cash at this moment - Alito also sided with his superiors in Kennedy v. Louisiana to overturn a law extending the death penalty to the rape of a child. In assessing the "reasonableness" of sentencing, the Supreme Court made it clear that Vice President Cheney's daily diet of eating a newborn with a side of puppies shall remain legal in the land of the free.

Finally, our peaceful, tranquil, totally family-friendly District of Columbia will soon be safer - Thanks to the 5-4 ruling

That its 30 year-old ban on firearms isn't in line with the 2nd Amendment Right that any yahoo can have a gun. Long known as the crime capital of the United States, with a homicide rate of 81 for every 100,000 residents, gentrification has recently slowed the massacre in Washington D.C. But the new, white and wealthy, residents need greater protection, as afforded by our Founding Fathers (according to the Supreme Court). Lock and Load! If only the Supreme Court could come to a decision on how to stem D.C.'s HIV/AIDs epidemic, especially among young African-American women... Oh, wait, they aren't rich and don't rape babies - Quit whining and get a gun, Baby Momma, there, that's compassion.

Meanwhile, Back in Bend

So I'm standing on a bridge pouring a quart of Pennzoil into the Deschutes River, giggling at all the kids floating below, seeing how shiny and slippery their skin looks after a good lubing while tubing. A local walks by and says, "Geez, that's disgusting!" Thinking she's talking about me - my meds have been a bit off lately and maybe I'm talking when I think I'm only thinking - I ask, "You gotta beef?" Saying she indeed does, this lady who grew-up here (unlike four-fifths of all Bendites) points to the river below us, at all those kids floating down to Mirror Pond, and repeats, "That's disgusting!" Wondering what - the thongs, short-shorts or tattoos - my conundrum is nearly complete until she adds, "Do you know what's in that water? All those mills, chemicals, late union leaders? I grew up here and I'll never swim in that swill!"

You're nuts! That's what I said, or thought, as I left her then, there, staring down on a sunny day, seeing how pretty all those floaters are, especially as my motor oil spreads, lovely violet and red swirls caressing so many supple bodies.

A Night at the Drive In

It's always tough to take the keys away from a friend or a loved one. Confronting someone who is too drunk or just too old to drive can be dicey.

A sign of thirst
  • A sign of thirst
A sign of thirst

But in the case of Lynne Rice, a 73-year-old woman from Norwalk, Calif., it's probably overdue on both counts.

Last Sunday night Rice drove her 1988 Cadillac into Joe's Food Market plowing through a pair of plate glass windows and coming to rest about halfway to the back of the store, somewhere near the chips aisle we assume. Rice then tumbled out of her sedan and walked over to the cooler where she grabbed a six-pack of Budweiser that she brought up to the cashier as the stunned employee looked on.

The sale was denied and Rice was arrested on DUI charges. Damage to the store was estimated at $8,000.

Upfront is just glad she wasn't riding a Clydesdale.

Striking Out

The Source Weekly/Alpine Physical Therapy team hasn't fared too well in the not-so-highly competitive co-ed rec softball league in town. But we can be thankful that we aren't playing in the Rochester, N.Y. league where one player died last week after being assaulted following a game.

The player, 37-year-old Daniel Andrews, was reportedly lined for the traditional post-game handshake when fellow competitor Sean Sanders punched him in the back of the head. Andrews fell unconscious to the ground and was taken to a hospital where he later died.

As it turned out the assailant had a criminal record and had only recently been released after serving a four-year prison stint for beating a man with a golf club.

Thus, Upfront believes we have discovered a new breed of athlete - the multi-sport felon.

A Long Not So Strange Trip

This just in. Magic Mushrooms still make you feel good.

That's according to a recent follow up to a 2002 lab study at Johns Hopkins in which participants snacked on 'shrooms in the name of science. Researchers who are hoping to document the long-term psychological effect of the popular LSD alternative found that subjects were, in large part, still feeling beneficial effects from the drug experience, including a better sense of well being, greater confidence and increased creativity.

Participants also cited the experiment as one of the most significant spiritual moments in their lives -- probably the reason that native tribes and others have been using mushrooms and other natural hallucinogens as part of their religious ceremonies for eons. The findings supported earlier follow-up work done with patients and seemed to confirm that there are long-term, positive effects of an isolated drug experience.

Image: Brightens Days
  • Image: Brightens Days
Brightens Days

But don't worry folks, there is still an overriding ban on research into drugs like mushrooms thanks to our government's unwavering drug paranoia. So rest easy, you don't have to worry that you'll be forced to take mushrooms to cure your cancer or break your life-threatening smoking habit. No, those nasty 'shrooms are just too dangerous to risk that kind of research. that its 30 year-old ban on firearms isn't in line with the 2nd Amendment Right that any yahoo can have a gun. Long known as the crime capital of the United States, with a homicide rate of 81 for every 100,000 residents, gentrification has recently slowed the massacre in Washington D.C. But the new, white and wealthy, residents need greater protection, as afforded by our Founding Fathers (according to the Supreme Court). Lock and Load! If only the Supreme Court could come to a decision on how to stem D.C.'s HIV/AIDs epidemic, especially among young African-American women... Oh, wait, they aren't rich and don't rape babies - Quit whining and get a gun, Baby Momma, there, that's compassion.


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