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Pass the Pet Peeves

Opinions are know what. And even this cannabis columnist has one. Or two.



hen I'm not writing this weekly "weed comedy" column, I'm working in numerous other aspects of the cannabis industry. It's a great way to spend long hours making a shocking, depression-inducing (small) amount of money, so I strongly encourage all the children reading this to stay in school. And to stop reading this.

While I don't grow, sell, or process cannabis, I spend most of my time with those who do, both professionally and socially. And for the most part, they're lovely people. But this work affords me license to call out what I see as some poor choices and behavior being made by my cannabis industry colleagues. (Of course, I am speaking to everyone else, and certainly not you, insert name here. You are great, don't change, kiss kiss.)

Don't Leave Home Without It

I go to numerous cannabis events, on average two to three a month, and when time and mood permits, (correct answer: always) I step outside with friends and smoke joints. My joints, which I'm always happy to share, and yet, with whom am I smoking those joints?

PROFESSIONAL. LICENSED. GROWERS. OF. CANNABIS. Do they ever have joints to share? No. (JB of Green Bodhi is an exception.) Or if they do, they talk about them: "Oh yeah, I twisted up some Vanilla Hazelnut Double Macchiato Haze joints before I left." You did? Gosh, I love hearing about them. What's even better than that is SMOKING THEM.

That is only slightly less annoying than the grower who didn't bring any of their own flower to a social gathering. They have plenty, it just slipped their minds. They "forgot." I wonder why.

SHOW UP WITH SOME WEED, people. If I have to listen to you ramble on about salt build ups and SCROG techniques, it's required payment.

Sit Down, Be Humble

"I grow the best weed, brah..." "This Shatter/Wax/etc is the best..." Oh, is it? Is it the absolutely the best thing ever? Kind of like the best sunset or best kiss or the cutest baby? No, it's not, because "best" in cannabis isn't a thing. Strains change, new ones get developed, old ones get rediscovered, technology gets introduced, ancient cultivation methods get remembered and implemented. But there is no "best."

We already have a wheel, thanks

In that same vein, while we can all agree cannabis is pretty nifty, please stop touting what you are doing with it as "groundbreaking, first of its kind ever!" Because prior to your event, people got together, ate well-made food prepared with cannabis, and also smoked cannabis throughout the evening. Its great that you are taking something that people have done for decades and doing it yourself, but you're going to hurt your arm patting yourself on the back.

Brand awareness

I was at a multi day music festival in a trailer with the headliners last month, and someone banged on the door as though they were escaping zombies. I opened it and a sweaty, shirtless and obviously tripping balls young man thrust his closed fist toward me and blurted out "I'm the marijuana guy! Here, have some joints!" and placed three sweat soaked, bent and twisted pre rolls in my hand. "Thanks," I said. "Are these...Sativas? Indicas?"

"They're free joints, man! I'm the weed sponsor!" he said waving as he walked away.

Free weed is very nice. Dry, straight joints that you can ID are really much better, and it doesn't take much to accomplish. You could put them in, I dunno, a doob tube joint container, and then label it with info about the strain and effects and stuff. Just like a real dispensary does.

All I ever loved in my life was the mic

At a cannabis science conference recently, the panel opened up the floor to questions. A middle-aged man was second to the microphone, and, obviously stoned, did not so much ask a question, in any manner, than held a long, nine-minute-long rambling diatribe against...who knows. When someone gives a you a microphone to ask a question, and you are really high, just ask your question, and sit down. It's not a talking stick.

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