The author is reporting from D.C., in a mall full of hipsters and hippies all looking to restore sanity, and someone named Molly.A bizarro world was revealed on Sunday when Republican National Committee chairman Michael "Not of" Steele and Republican smear-mongerer Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove appeared on opposite talk shows. As Steele insisted on having no knowledge of shadow groups pumping billions (yes, billions - this election will cost $3.2 billion) into Congressional races on "Meet the Press," Rove brought papers proving the dirty money and donor nondisclosures to "Face the Nation." Steele is under fire in his party for not raising enough or supporting GOP candidates in need, yet still predicted, "An unprecedented wave on election day that's going to surprise a lot of people." Meanwhile, from his alternative universe, Rove is flush with cash and blaming "liberals" for inventing this mess, calling it and the Tea Party, "wholesome, patriotic and incredibly positive for the country."
Coyotes act much the same: One distracts you by pretending to be injured while the other gnaws your Achilles.
"I have to go home to scoop the poop," said President "Hopeless" Obama after his recent visit to Rhode Island. Akin to an elder with irritable bowel syndrome, Obama is still unable to control the message. Democrat gubernatorial candidate Frank "Di" Caprio told Obama to "take his endorsement and really shove it," only days after DiCaprio said he was excited about Obama's visit and would accompany him at two appearances. An about-face or slighted ex? Neither. Lincoln Chaffee left the Republican Party after endorsing Obama for president and is running as an independent, so Obama is endorsing no one, and gladly picking up steaming stacks of feces at the White House instead of revisiting Rhode Island anytime soon.
The asylum also known as America is getting bigger, with Florida gubernatorial candidate Alex "OMG!" Sink receiving a text from an aide during a live debate and Republican nominee Rick "Meh" Scott noticing the cheating; the phone was confiscated and the aide fired. "Don't ask, don't tell" has been overturned then reinstated more often in the past week than home foreclosure documents. More proof that we sit on the edge of the abyss arrived Monday when supporters of Kentucky Tea Party Senate nominee Rand "Nepotism is Awesome" Paul wrestled a liberal MoveOn.org activist to the ground, stomping her head on the sidewalk.
Thank God the midterms are on Tuesday, and sanity will be totally restored.
In no hope of restoration is Juan Williams' job at NPR, after telling Bill O'Reilly that, "If I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous." It's hard to call a minority with several books on civil rights a bigot but, like everything so close to election, this has become political. Williams' firing was immediately defended as the final straw at NPR and condemned by Fox as another example of the liberal media's hypocrisy. The real hypocrisy is that conservatives are so upset that an African-American-Latino man lost his job; Fox offered Williams a $2.1 million deal and Republicans are calling to cut NPR's federal funding.
Other federal funding news: Afghan President Hamid Karzai openly admitted that he receives "bags of money" from Iran, to the tune of $6 million. Like every war begun by Bush-Cheney and the presidents they appointed after "liberation," we spend billions and lose thousands, yet their loyalty is elsewhere, and Karzai said Iran's cash pays the costs at his presidential palace. We bring guns and build schools, but Iran is buying Karzai hookahs and flat-screens; this sounds like my relationship with a gorgeous gold-digger who better call me back or I'll have to buy her a new phone.
Speaking of sexy people who are dead to me, Bob "Got Quim?" Guccione was sent directly to Hades last Wednesday, dying of cancer at 79 in Plano, Texas. "I want to devote my life to the serious and profound intricacies of true and imaginative art," wrote a young Guccione, who then founded Penthouse magazine, offering more beaver spreads than an OSU tailgate party.
An early obituary is also being written for Marisol Valles Garcia, who became chief of police of Praxedis G. Guerroro near Ciudad Juarez. Only 20 years old and the sole person to accept the job, Garcia says she's "just tired of being afraid" and we wish her luck in a town where the mayor and his son were murdered the weekend before and 2,500 have died from drug violence.
Drugs are awesome, we all know that, and kudos to California and Oregon when you vote on weed next week. This war on drugs costs us over $20 billion each year and California hopes to save nearly $1 billion on cops and enforcement alone. Even the elite at Georgetown University are affected, with three students arrested for having a meth lab in their campus dorm room. Ok, maybe not all drugs should be legal, only the fun ones...
Drugs must also be to blame for ten people attacking and stabbing a man then leaping out of a third-floor window west of Paris, killing an infant. The police report offers tantalizing clues: "The man in question, of African origin, who was completely naked, got up to feed his child, at which point the other occupants took him for the devil."
As of press time, cops are hunting a bike-riding ninja in Winnipeg, Canada, who killed two with a sawed-off shotgun and left a girl fighting for her life. And Charlie Sheen has been hospitalized for "causing a scene" at the Plaza Hotel in NYC, and there was an "unknown woman" calling for help; the hospital staff wasn't surprised when Sheen was admitted, having heard he was in town.
Nothing shocks any more. The end is nigh; blame the Devil or Obama, just keep your hands off my drugs, err sanity.