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Screen » Film Events

Rudolph Redux

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ATTENTION: There are some serious problems with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And for those of you who are still reading, I'm going to elucidate on those problems (and how they can be corrected) in three... two... one... GO!

1) Rudolph is totes creepy. Naturally, I'm talking about the Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet version of Rudolph (available on DVD and permanently seared into your brain). All the characters in these Rankin/Bass productions are tiny walking nightmares, whose mouths refuse to move at the proper speed, and jerk around like they have epilepsy. Christmas is a time to be thinking about GETTING PRESENTS, YO! Not flopping around on the ground while a total stranger tries to shove his wallet in your mouth.


NEEDED CORRECTION: Rankin/Bass should've used CG... like they did in Avatar! If James Cameron had directed this, Rudolph would've been 100 percent realistic - though probably blue, and having "tail linked to beard" sex with Santa.

2) Santa's kind of a dick. The moment Santa discovers young Rudolph's glowing nose, he's immediately banned from pulling the sleigh - and any subsequent reindeer games! THAT'S DISCRIMINATION, YA'LL! Then when the elves try to cheer Santa up by singing a kickass choral version of "We Are Santa's Elves," his only response is, "Needs some work." You know what else needs some work, Santa? Your goddamn attitude! You treat those elves like they're suicidal 11-year-olds working at an Indonesian iPhone factory! SOMEBODY CALL A LAWYER! Elves are a protected class, bitch!

NEEDED CORRECTION: Santa should be nicer.

3) Dentists are not necessarily homosexuals. A lot of them are, for sure. Probably 85 percent. However, directly equating dentistry with homosexuality - as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer clearly does with the character of "Hermey the Misfit Elf" - does a disservice to gay people, by making straight people not want to try gay things. Because nobody likes the dentist, right? Except for me. Sometimes when I'm getting my teeth cleaned, I get a liiiittle biiiitty boner.

NEEDED CORRECTION: I don't know... maybe I can masturbate before going to the dentist?

4) The Abominable Snow Monster of the North totally has Justin Bieber's haircut. IT'S TRUE! Check it out for yourself if you don't believe me.

NEEDED CORRECTION: Look, I love Justin Bieber, too - but every acne-pocked teen in America is wearing "the Beeb." If the Abominable Snow Monster insists on stealing someone else's hairdo, maybe he should go with a "high-top fade" like Kid 'n' Play wore in House Party. THAT'S PHRESH!

5) The Island of Misfit Toys needs their own show. Those characters - including "Charlie-in-the-Box," the "Bird Fish" (a bird who swims like a fish), and that bizarre winged lion "King Moonracer" - are way too disturbing to be in a kid's Christmas special.

NEEDED CORRECTION: These misfits should all star in a brand new version of Lost. OMIGOD, I'M SO BRILLIANT! Here's the plot: Santa's sleigh crashes on a deserted island, where he's instantly killed, leaving a bunch of stranded effed-up toys to make a brand new life for themselves! Unfortunately, the toys are constantly under attack from an abominable (smoke) monster and a group of homosexual dentists called, "The Others." AND JUSTIN BIEBER GUEST STARS!!!

For information on a class action suit against Santa, contact: HYPERLINK "mailto:steve@portlandmercury.com" steve@portlandmercury.com

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