Slick Tricks: BP's epic failure, Tea Bag revolution and your Facebook settings | Editorial | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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Slick Tricks: BP's epic failure, Tea Bag revolution and your Facebook settings

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America.



The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a Greyhound (bus, not track) mourning Harrietta Ambages for reasons as tragic as they are triumphant, leaving Louisiana and somewhere between Dallas and Denver, reporting for and The Source Weekly.

The Word From

Bourbon Street

"This is worse than Katrina," declared Jackson, gold sparkle paint covering his face and hands while donning a green costume that makes "Don't Ask Don't Tell" antagonists blush. "I want to do a citizen's arrest," added Mohammed Ali (or at least a look-a-like who quotes Ali for a buck), "I'm faster than a bee and BP gonna see!" Yes, your fearless and now homeless author spent last week in New Orleans, surprisingly sober after seeing the ravages of BP's lies and lack of real action. Surprise! It wasn't 5,000 barrels per day leaking 5,000 feet below the Gulf, but much more, and conservative estimates have two million barrels on the way to the Florida Keys, Cuba's pristine coral reefs, and already covering 65 miles of Louisiana shoreline. A method, only tested in porn, of shooting thick mud into the well is being readied but this, like all of BP's environmental and profit protection plans, will fail. Seriously, there may be more lawyers patrolling the Gulf of Mexico than dead pelicans and unemployed fishermen combined. It's time for the government to step in and for Ali to make those arrests, we need real solutions not finger-pointing. Alas, the blame-game has already begun.

Define "Un-American"

Perhaps the Tea Party movement will be remembered as an important one: Opposed to big government spending, over-taxation, and a black man in the White House (somebody had to say it), but it's over. Exhibit A: Nepotism. If a bunch of Americans are so pissed about government failures, then the sons, daughters, cousins and buddies of our elected officials should be the first blacklisted from important positions. Not if your surname is Paul, though, and related to do-nothing Texas Congressman Ron Paul, whose only stance after limping for president is abolishing the FED while trying to explain why he's been part of the same system he has so despised for so long. Enter Rand Paul, Ron's son, whose God-given government reform skills include blurting foul barbs like diarrhea at a Tex-Mex Fest. After winning the Republican primary in Kentucky (a state where owning a goat is considered adoption), Rand squatted and offered the following: "What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP.' I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business." Oh, right! You did just win the Republican primary, Rand, so defending companies that destroy the Earth is good policy. What's that, Rand, you have more to say, something so ironic that you still smell of roses while farting on others? "And I think it's part of this sort of blame-game society in the sense that it's always got to be somebody's fault instead of the fact that maybe sometimes accidents happen."

About That "Revolution"

Stupid son Rand Paul winning wasn't the only shocker on primary night. Benedict Arlen Specter lost to some stranger in Pennsylvania named Joe Sestak, who was supposedly offered a job at the White House to not challenge Specter at all. Even Connecticut Attorney General Richard "Dick" Blumenthal won the Democratic primary after continually lying about serving in the Vietnam War (unless the Reserves count, like they did for our last heroic president who bravely took us to war(s) and made this mess). Now he must face the wife of World Wrestling Entertainment founder Vince McMahon (we can't make this stuff up) to replace retiring Senator Christopher "Reform This!" Dodd. The Tea Party is now readying more nooses to lynch incumbents from both parties; the GOP is now trying to blame Obama for acne and erectile dysfunction; and Dems meeting with China to sell some sweet Gulf Coast wetlands replete with oil deposits so they can print more phony greenbacks and pass more "reform" legislation.

Other Accidents
That Happened

Jesse Bernard Johnston III of Texas tricked the Army into making him a noncommissioned officer in a reserve unit; unqualified and utterly untrained to even lead a Girl Scouts cookie sale, Johnston's only experience was a 12-week Marine officer candidate course for college students, which he attended for only a part of in 2004. Speaking of college students with too much power: Facebook continues to undermine your right to privacy and you simply don't seem to care; not only have total strangers been allowed to read your private messages (oops! sorry!) but Facebook (500 million voyeuristic and/or attention-starved users and growing) continues to alter its privacy policies, with El Commandant Zuckerberg writing in an Op-Ed, "There needs to be a simpler way to control your information. In the coming weeks, we will add privacy controls that are much simpler to use." Awesome, thanks Facebook!

Stuff We Shouldn't Know

Proof of Israel's long-known yet - denied nuclear program arrived this week with the release of documents showing South Africa requesting warheads in 1975, and we can only assume the Apartheid-era government wanted to nuke all those pesky Africans in South Africa. In related dysfunctional government news: Fergie (remember that fat chick who married an inbred prince decades ago) was caught on tape demanding a half-million pounds (British currency, and way more valuable than American) for access to her ex-husband; who knows why anyone would want to talk to a member of a "Royal Family" that has had no real power since we kicked their butts to win independence, but that much money can buy lots of access - and all-you-can-eat buffets for a former "Princess." Good God, what millennia is this?

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