Sorry, Ducks: But if it's any comfort, I'm pretty sure Cam Newton is a cyborg | Outside Features | Bend | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

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Sorry, Ducks: But if it's any comfort, I'm pretty sure Cam Newton is a cyborg

Auburn beat Oregon in the BCS National Championship game because Cam Newton is a Cyborg.


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You feel that? It's not a winter chill. That's the sensation of disappointment - deep, burning, painful disappointment - flooding through the fields, mountains, rivers and city streets of Oregon. The Ducks didn't win the BCS Championship and thus the vast conspiracy to keep the Coaches Trophy in the hands of SEC teams and their swollen-bellied boosters remains intact. But barely.

If that Auburn player didn't roll over the top of the Duck defensive back and trick everyone into thinking he was down before scurrying toward the endzone; or if that fourth and goal could have turned into a touchdown; or if Darron Thomas could have connected just one more long bomb... well, the entirety of Oregon may have exploded in joy. Except for Beaver fans, of course - they were busy wearing their homemade Auburn t-shirts and texting each other things like: "WTF, Jacquizz?"

But you know what would have really helped Oregon prevail over the Tigers of Auburn? How about if Cam Newton was an actual human man and not a cyborg programmed exclusively to plow through linebackers, toss the occasional laser beam pass, almost never fail to run an improbable path to the imaginary yellow line on every third and 12, and, apparently, operate as "God's instrument" on the football field?*

Newton isn't a perfect football cyborg, but he's close. Too bad the mad professor who constructed him out of, like, metal and wires and stuff made him look 38 years old. Sometimes mistakes like that happen when building cyborgs, like when the Terminator's creator inadvertently gave him a German accent. Or when that cyborg on Star Trek: The Next Generation came out all green and with plastic hair.

People are wondering why Newton's dad allegedly wanted something like $100,000 for him to play at Mississippi State? Dude, that's an awesome price for a fully functioning cyborg, let alone one that stands six-and-a-half feet tall, weighs in at 250 and runs the 40-yard dash in something like four seconds flat. That shit's not natural, man. MSU didn't know the bargain they had on their hands and let Auburn get Newton - and the resulting national championship - for free. (Allegedly.)

So, at the end of the day, the Ducks shouldn't get too down about this week's loss. After all, they're only human, right?

This spring, there will certainly be plenty of NFL teams looking to download their offensive schemes into the mind of this piece of robotic mastery. Well, if God says that's OK, of course, which He probably will, as long as Newton doesn't end up on the flippin' Cowboys.

*It's unknown whether or not Tim Tebow, who's also a cyborg, signed off on this assertion.

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