Finally proving that they can do the nation's business without bipartisanship or any semblance of full disclosure - having learned well from the Bush Admin and GOP - Democrats passed the $787 billion stimulus bill with a House vote of 246-183, and a Senate vote of 60-38 (with only three Republican Senators saying "Yeah, sure..."). Republicans, obviously exhausted from blowing our nation's future over the past eight years, will soon be replaced by a third-party known as "2012 Mayans and Other Loonies Enshrined Symbiotically" (acronym: MOLES). Despite a firestorm of criticism, President Obama can now claim victory, and is only eclipsed by Abraham Lincoln as the greatest president ever: Seriously, name one president who has dealt with more bullshit than Obama in his first few weeks. "Shovel-ready" projects will promptly receive funding, including $15 million to lowly Bend to widen U.S. 97. Unemployed carpenters should start digging ditches to refill, service workers should learn to gut and cook panhandlers (young bums can be rather sinewy, and older should be served well-done, to avoid ring-worm and to fully baste the Thunderbird). Meanwhile, monkey butlers approved in the stimulus bill will be arriving at Broken Top in the next few weeks.
Taliban = Total Love and Equality
Remember the Taliban? Those sensitive, bearded, uber-educated Afghanis that love women so much that they must be covered from head-to-toe in black? Well, they're back! And now coming to a theater of war near you! Where? Pakistan - our fabulous ally in our war of terror (to the tune of over $10 billion in direct US funding, so far) - has just announced that the Swat Valley of the country is now under Taliban rule. Girls going to school were forced home this week so their schools could be bombed, and the "embryonic democracy" (in the words of our government) is now under assault - including 100 nuclear warheads. "Probably your next 9/11 is going to be from Swat," Gul Bibi, a native of the Swat Valley who was fleeing the region, told CNN this week. Of course Pakistan wasn't harboring Osama bin Laden while we were off squandering hundreds of billions in Iraq and ignoring Afghanistan; of course the Pakistani government is more loyal to the US than their neighbors with machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades; of course those missing 50,000+ machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades reported missing by the Pentagon in Afghanistan this week aren't being used against US troops and our allies. Everything is swell! Wait - Did you hear that Lance Armstrong has returned to cycling? Change the channel, quick!
WTF! Obama Wasn't a Slave?
Chalk this one up to "No, I won't get over it!" Four Tennessee legislators have signed onto a legal action to force President Obama to prove his citizenship. We heard this before the inauguration but these freedom-loving, free-thinking, let bygones-be-bygones Taliban, oops, Confederates, oops, southern elected officials are now offering to serve as plaintiffs in a legal action by a Russian immigrant in California who is challenging whether Obama is a US citizen. Yes, you heard that right: A Russian immigrant is legally questioning whether our President was born in the USA (cue Springsteen). Despite the Obama campaign posting a birth certificate for all to see (and vetting by the Secret Service, CIA, NSA, and that guy at the Madras prison with KY lube) the "Defend Our Freedoms Foundation" (originally called "Defend Us From Darkies" aka KKK) has yet to file a lawsuit but continues to question the validity of President Obama's citizenship - thus, his ability to be President Obama. Next up: A transvestite from Tijuana is filing suit against Hillary Clinton to prove she is really a woman, and not the robot from New York State who happened to give birth to Chelsea, which former President Bill Clinton and Hillary herself continue to uphold.
The Wisdom of Bristol
"It's just, like, I'm not living for myself anymore. It's, like, for another person, so it's different." intoned Bristol Palin, the daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, speaking of getting knocked-up at the age of 17, right before her mother's VP run. Now 18 and a mother (still unwed), Bristol displayed the genetic miracle that is any combination of Sarah and Todd's DNA while talking to Fox News' Greta Van Susteren, "And just you're up all night. And it's not glamorous at all. Like, your whole priorities change after having a baby." Like, totally, Bristol, your parents are so proud. As are pro-abstinence Republicans - a policy that Bristol herself said is "not realistic at all" for young people. In Alaska, where you date hockey players who have to trim that mullet to appear at GOP conventions, then disappear into the oil fields when the kid plops, premarital sex is just much easier. Wiser now, Bristol summoned Siddhartha when thinking of her future, offering sage words that prove that life is suffering: "I'd love to [be] an advocate to prevent teen pregnancy because it's not, like, a situation that you would want to strive for, I guess."
The Second Annual Source Fiction Contest
For 51 issues each year, the Source is comprised exclusively of cold, hard facts. But we save one issue for lies - well fiction, to be exact. Your fiction, to be even more precise. If you've got a piece of fiction, send us a short story or excerpt from a longer piece (1,500 words maximum) and if you're chosen, your piece will be printed in the Source, and you'll be handed some prizes, as well. So send that next great American novel to firstname.lastname@example.org by Friday, March 13 and check the April 2 issue of the paper to read the winning submissions. Happy writing.