Seriously. Guys. Seriously. Just stop. Stop it, stop what you're doing... just... STOP. I realize you think you're doing the correct thing—but in reality? You're doing the opposite of the correct thing, which is the wrong thing. And as it turns out, you're doing a LOT of these wrong things. Like what for example? Here is a very abbreviated list.
You clip your nails at the office. While driving, you get easily confused, slow down to 5 mph, and begin weaving in between two lanes as if you had a stroke. If you're forced to wait for anything for more than two minutes, you start dinking with your phone. (STOP YOUR DINKING FOR A GODDAMN MINUTE AND ENJOY THE WORLD AROUND YOU!!) You use the last square of toilet paper, and leave me with an empty roll, thereby forcing me to frog walk across the bathroom to the toilet paper cubby. (I DO NOT LIKE THAT!) If you're a kid, you're in the mall! Go somewhere else! Adults, you're putting too much pressure on me to perform—IN EVERY SINGLE REGARD. Even this list is pressuring me! Why can't you just take my word for it that you are doing everything WRONG and just STOP???
At least the following TV shows are having their season finales this week. While they all may be terrible, at least they have the decency to... STOP!!
• Community (NBC, Thursday, May 9, 8 pm). In the season finale, Jeff finally receives enough credits to graduate—but wonders if he should stay. DO NOT STAY, JEFF. In one short season this show went from being one of the funniest on television to a big pile of "meh." DO NOT STAY. Just... STOP.
• Glee (Fox, Thursday, May 9, 9 pm). It's time for the glee club to once again compete in regionals—though now they're wondering if it's worth the effort. NO, IT IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT, DORKS. You had one good season. ONE! And every season since has been a grotesque, butt-cringing disappointment. Pack up your eyeliner, your mashups, your Barbra Streisand albums and... just... STOP.
• Survivor (CBS, Sunday, May 12, 8 pm). In the show's 26th season finale... wait. Did I just say 26th?? THIS SHOW HAS BEEN ON FOR 26 SEASONS?? My genital warts aren't even that old! Are you auditioning for this show? STOP! Are you watching this show? STOP! Are you Jeff Probst? Stop whatever it is you're doing, Jeff Probst! Just... STOP!!!
• NCIS (CBS, Tuesday, May 14, 8 pm). It's a real cliffhanger of a season finale when the feds threaten to shut down Gibb's team for their unconventional (but effective) methods. Normally I'm a fan of unconventional (but effective) methods—but fuck these guys. I HATE THIS SHOW AND WANT THEM TO... STOP!!
• NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, Tuesday, May 14, 9 pm). The fourth season ends with a nuclear explosion—but does it kill the NCIS team? No, because they are more stubborn than my 23-year-old genital warts! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE BLOWN UP?? Stop it, all forms of NCIS! Just... just... STOP!!
Just... just... Tweet. @WmSteveHumphrey
9 pm CW SUPERNATURAL
Crowley digs into Sam and Dean's past and discovers...their absolutely ADORABLE baby pictures!
10:30 pm VH1 MODEL EMPLOYEE
Debut! In this new reality competition, models perform terrible, humiliating jobs. (Heh...heh...hehhhhhh.)
8 pm ABC WIPEOUT
Season premiere! This crazy obstacle course competition now includes an eight-armed robot called "Octopushy."
10 pm NBC HANNIBAL
Hannibal visits his own psychiatrist...Gillian Anderson from The X-Files! SQUEEEEEEE!!
10 pm SHO BOB SAGET: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
Former Full Houser and absolutely FILTHY stand-up comic Bob Saget tells his fave dirty jokes.
11:30 pm NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
This week hosted by returning "most valuable player" Kristen Wiig!
9 pm HBO GAME OF THRONES
Daenerys exchanges gifts with a slave lord near Yunkai—in other words, you know, THE YOUSZH.
10:30 pm HBO FAMILY TREE
Debut! Christopher Guest's new comedy featuring adorable Chris O'Dowd who's searching for his family.
10 pm SUN RECTIFY
Be sure to check out this very interesting, moody drama from the producers of Breaking Bad!
9 pm FOX NEW GIRL
Season finale! It's Cece's wedding day, which means one thing for Schmidt... SABOTAGE!
9:30 pm FOX THE MINDY PROJECT
Season finale! Mindy decides to go on a volunteer gynecological mission in Haiti, that she might want to reconsider?