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Outside » Outside Features

Stop the Jazz Invasion

No one we know in this region, likes, cares or has any desire to watch the Utah Jazz.

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Guess what? No one we know in this region, likes, cares or has any desire to watch the Utah Jazz. Well, not at least since Stockton retired his thigh-bearing shorty shorts and Malone traded his one-hand-only dunks for rifles and shotguns of varying size and purpose. Still, Utah Jazz games continue to mysteriously and inexplicably appear on local cable despite the fact that the games aren't listed on that fun sliding color-coded programming chart.

Of course, someone reading this right now just said, "Hey I'm an Oregonian who likes, nay, loves the Utah Jazz and I am so thankful for these seemingly God-gifted chances to see Andre Kirilenko's faux hawk in stunning HD."

Well, friend, you're unfortunately in the minority in respect to both your preference of NBA squad and appreciation of Ivan Drago look-alikes. Why are we being bombarded, and without warning, mind you, by basketball that isn't even from our market? Of course, the Blazers have their own channel on the local cable slate, so there's no need for them on the Fox Sports Network that the Jazz have parachuted onto, but still, what about the stuff that's supposed to be on? Like a college basketball matchup or "Best Damn 50 Catches" or "Best Damn 50 Nard Punches" or "Best Damn 50 Instances of Inadvertent Sports Nudity." Really, anything with "best" or "damn" in the title is enough to get us to click the remote.

We understand that the local cable provider has nothing to do with the Salt Lake invasion - we know, because Left Field immediately e-mails customer service every time Jerry Sloan's lifeless, Weekend-at-Bernie's face graces the screen. That doesn't make us complainers, we're merely attempting to alert someone that the Utah Jazz have, once again, taken over our television sets.

So, come on Fox Sports, if you're going to show us the freaking Utah, yawn, Jazz, then you can at least fess up to it and give us some warning.

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